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Fetisch und Latexwoche

Bei Fetisha....diese Woche ist sie nämlich jeden Tag bzw jeden Nachmittag anzutreffen. In Latex natürlich. Auch wenn ich gestern erst die Illusion hatte, das sie wohl nackt sei - als sie aufstand sah ich dann, das sie nur ein schulterfreies Latexkleid anhatte, und die Cam war so eingestellt das man nur Ihr Wunderschönes und göttliches Gesicht sah..seufz... Ich werde sie heute im Fetisch Sexchat bestimmt wieder besuchen

A Domme's Work is Never Done

Just got caught up with email on my yahoo, collarme, fetlife, myspace, alt, fubar, kinkyspace, and facebook. I was way behind.

Now it's time to work on my clips4sale store while on niteflirt and also finish preparing for my performance at the Texas Fetish Ball this Saturday.

A Domme's work is never done.

MISTRESS GENEVIEVE

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Lack Lust und Fetischerotik

Ja Fetischlady fetisha macht es einem dann doch sehr leicht, die Scheu zu überwinden und Ihren geilen und heissen Live fetisch chat zu betreten. Man kann es nur immer wieder sagen : Live Fetisch ist einfach aufregend. Und wer dazu noch ddrauf steht wenn Dich einne Fetischlady durchfickt, auch der ist bei unserer fetischa am richtigsten ;-) denn sie weiss auch wie man mit einem Strapon umgeht. Also Bück Dich und lass Dich von fetisha Ficken!

So far so good...

I created my formspring account less than 12 hours ago and just answered my first 4 questions.

To those of you who wrote those questions I say, "Thanks"!!!
Keep them coming. I really look forward to answering more.

Here are those first 4 Q&A's...

Do you ever attend Domcon Atlanta by chris7201

I attended DomCon Atlanta only once, when I was the Guest of Honor in Nov. 2004. I would love to go again this year, but not with out a several hundred bucks spending money, at least.

Delete Your Response

What is your favorite activity to include in a session or scene? by blairtreves

Not to sound to vague but, anything that pushes limits and challenges the submissive's will to please. My specific interests can vary greatly depending my mood and the natural chemistry between myself and my partner. The most consistent of my long list of interests often tend to involve some/many forms and variations of bondage, anything mentally or physically invasive, all types of sensory play, electro-play, any type of humiliation play, enemas, tickling/scratching, Bastinado, nt/cbt...to name just a few. I'm the type of girl that hates having to choose, I want to have it all and do it all.

Do you see female slaves professionally as well as males? Do many females contact you for paying sessions? by BellaVendetta

I WISH! Unfortunately, rarely do women answer my ads. It is even more seldom that I have had paid sessions with a female submissive; except those accompanied by a partner. Almost all of the female clients I've had sessions had their male significant other present; either their Master silently observing, their voyeur lover observing or their novice lover, there to receive private lessons in topping.

I'd have to think it's probably a matter of supply and demand. Both Dommes and female subbies rarely lack offers from potential playmates (whether they find any amongst them are compatible in interests, location, personality and available free time is a whole other story entirely).

Also, young men are raised to have a far more open attitude towards sex work/adult entertainment then girls are raised to be. This more than likely makes women even less likely to consider the possibility of booking sessions with ProDommes (or any other intimate erotic services).

How important is the music in your sessions/scene? If so, which one conveys you attitude? by SubRosaDictum

Being a huge music lover, I used to think it was extremely important. It wasn't till I spent almost a year at the Den of Iniquity, Los Angeles, that I came to realize it wasn't.

At DOI, there was only one CD player jam box for all 6 playrooms and the staff lounge. I often would start a session only to realize I forgot the stereo and didn't want to interrupt the session to get the stereo. We were above Hollywood Blvd so there was always the hiss of traffic just below; it sounded much like the sound of surf...

I've come to find that it isn't always easy to find music that feels right at the present moment but the white noise of the city and the sound of the freeway in the distance is always harmonizes with any scene perfectly (except when it's too quiet outside and someone on the street starts shouting).

Otherwise, my music selection doesn't reflect, influence or convey my attitude really. I haven't changed the cd in months. What it sometimes does effect is the client. If someone is nervous and already difficult to sooth and get to a more manageable state it's essential that your music selection be as soothing as possible.

Anyone already consistently relaxed into the scene can often be played with to just about anything that works for the top, as long as it's at a low to moderate volume.

Though, keep in mind to not play music too low or it could sound can be distracting as well.

I'm really loving answering these great questions so ASK ME SOMETHING... http://www.formspring.me/msgenevieve

MISTRESS GENEVIEVE

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Ask me something

Hey everybody,
I just joined formspring and I could use your help getting the ball rolling.
Ask me some questions... http://formspring.me/msgenevieve

Mistress Genevieve

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2 new clips posted, lots of formats

I've got 2 new high quality clips, clip 3 and 4 out of a 7 part series, now posted in various formats on my clips4sale store at http://clips4sale.com/store/4083.

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MISTRESS GENEVIEVE

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Feeling down..

For the last couple of days I have been feeling pretty down and I just can't seem to shake it...

I am confused and don't understand what there is about me that makes someone want to hurt me. I wish that I didn't feel so much...I wish that I could turn my heart to stone and not care..but I do, I care so much. Too much for my own good.

I wish that I had someone else to count on besides myself. I am a strong women but everyone needs someone to be there for them sometimes too, even me..

I am tired of smiling and pretending that I am so happy, when I am not to make someone else feel better and not have to worry. I am tired of being the strong one all the time. I take care of others all the time, who takes care of me?

I know that I am whining..lol I am human too

Wow

Well i finally got a message off him at 1pm telling me to leave and to make my way to the place we had agreed to meet. Lol the next hour was spent panicking and fidgeting and texting.

Him. Ready or not, here i come, will be 45 minutes.
Me. God i'm scared now. Just got on the metro. Hair like a scarecrow and white with fright.
Him My hair is wet from the shower so it should behave itself. Yay the suns coming out too
Me Your hair would look good even if it got mussed by the wind. Could kill for a drink, i've got a mouth like Ghandis flip flop.
Him Oh and you have no reason to be scared frightened. I want you to be yourself when we meet
Me That has helped a lot, thank you. I've relaxed a bit. I'm 3 stops away, gosh the journey has gone quickly.
Him I'm halfway there. Will be about 20 mins depending on traffic and stopping for passengers.
Him Kicking myself for forgetting my earphones for my music on my phone. I've always got them in my jacket but not today lol. sigh.
Me It's with all the rushing. I'm on a seat next to a memorial
Him Just coming up to Regent Center so 5 mins away.
Me Ok hope you know where i am cos i don't.
Him Good. I will be about 5 mins. See you soon.
Me Ok lol
Him I know exactly where you are. Won't be long. Stuck in traffic
Me Ok
Him Just got off bus. On my way to you now. 5 mins.

Must admit that i was a bit paranoid at this point, I did wonder if he was actually going to turn up. Those 5 mins seemed to last an eon. I kept twisting about on the bench to see if i could spot him approaching. I can't count how many times i dropped my phone or my bag because i was so nervous. Finally i saw him and just beamed at him, then i felt a bit shy so i turned away. He came right up to me and was about to sit down when i stopped him. A few minutes before, a seagull had took a huge dump on the seat and i didn't think he would appreciate it if i let him sit in it.

We moved to another bench and sat for a little while, chatting and smoking then he decided we should go to a pub. Off he strode, very fast and i struggled to keep up. Seems to be a dominant trait that, bloody fast walking. I have one speed, i call it trundle lol. The next 5 hours flew past. We talked, had a few drinks and then went for some food.

Next thing on the agenda was a visit to one of his friends. It was kind of weird as we made our way to the bus stop. Walking down a main street in newcastle, it was dark, the moon was out and there was a guy playing a flute. It just made it totally surreal. After much faffing about we finally made it to his friends house and ended up staying the night. I found that soooooo frustrating. During the day we had kissed briefly but i wanted more. I wanted to be alone with him, i wanted to know what it would feel like to be kissed properly and to feel him touching my skin. I couldn't stop thinking about it the entire evening. I realy wanted him to rip my clothes off and to fuck me senseless.

It was such an amazing feeling to lie naked next to my Master when we eventually got to bed. I had no clue what would happen if anything but he did kiss me deeply.....finally.

We left the next day and i went back to his home and once again stayed the night. Bloody hell it was hard to leave the next day. I stared at him for as long as i could as the bus pulled away. Wondering if i would see him again and if so..when? The journey home was horrible, i was so happy and yet very sad at the same time. My Master had given me concise directions on how to get from the bus station to the metro station but i wasn't paying full attention and i ended up getting lost in newcastle.It was dark and raining quite heavily but that wouldn't bother me normally, i would just brazen it out and ask someone to direct me but for some reason i couldn't do that. I felt very small and frightened and thats not something that i'm used to.

Anyway i did find my way home after about an hour of wandering and soon felt like my old self again once i knew where i was.

I haven't had much time to update this journal recently, so much has happened but i will make a renewed effort in future.

Glad i'm not jaded

Well after my outrageous forwardness in making first contact with a man, it's been decided that we are going to meet later on today. I'm nervous as hell especially because he's just told me that something came up and he would be late I do understand why he couldn't break this appointment but it hasn't stopped me feeling like i'm back at the bottom of the food chain again. Thats just me though, my problem and i'll get over it.

I'm not jaded, i still believe in people and will always try to look on the bright side. There is a bright side because we we're up til god knows what time chatting and i slept in so at least now i can relax in the bath and take my time getting ready.

I wish the stupid birds would shut up. They're getting right on my nerves and so is she next door with her frigging hoover. And him on the other side, i'm sure he's having an affair with his wheelie bin cos he's forever wheeling it up and down his path. I dunno, i thought i was weird but obviously not.

Right i'm off, i don't know how much time i have.

Wish me luck

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Ms Genevieve in New Orleans this weekend Mar 27-30

This weekend I will be making my first visit to New Orleans since I moved away from there a few months before Katrina. I'll be visiting March 27 through 30th.

I will have availability for sessions on Saturday evening, Sunday and Monday; (returning home to Houston early on Tuesday, March 30th)

If you are interested in booking with me in New Orleans during this weekend you may contact me directly by calling (713)539-7002... from an un-blocked phone

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Phone

YES! We spoke on the phone for an hour last night and it was a very enlightening experience. I'm also pleased to report that it was an easy and comfortable conversation too. You know, when the phone rings for the first time its always a bit unerving because obviously you don't know what the other person will sound like and i'm always worried that they will have a high pitched voice. Its a bit of a turn off for me but he didn't, he's got a nice deep masculine voice, great accent too.

After that we chatted on msn til 3 in the morning about all kinds of things. There was no criteria. I really enjoyed it and felt a little bit deflated when he had to go but thats a good thing in my opinion.

Freaky

I started chatting to a local man last night. I made the initial contact with him on collarme, just complimenting him on the openess of his profile. I had looked at it a few times over the last month or so because he's kind of cute and has lovely long hair. I suppose in the back of my mind i had hoped that he would notice me and would maybe get in touch. I know he had browsed my profile too. We've exchanged phone numbers and have been texting each other and he said he would give me a call later on.

Anyone who uses collarme will know that you can add friends to your profile so being nosey i took a look at his friends list. There is one woman from my area who appears on a lot of profiles of people who are local to me also and sure enough, she was on his friends list. The freaky part is when i clicked on her profile, my last Masters picture is right next to this new guys picture. Gave me a bit of a gliff i must admit lol but i kind of liked it. The idea that one man is my past and the man next to him could be my future.

I'm not getting ahead of myself and i'm not rushing into anything. I'll just see where this goes.

Consistency

Consistency is very important to a slave, especially to an unowned slave that is seeking a Master. Hot and cold, wishy washy, intense and then absent...send mixed messages to a girl.

I need to know that a potential Master does what he says he's going to do. That makes me feel secure. If I do not feel secure I can not trust him. If I do not trust him then I can not "let go." If I can not "let go" and let him "in" then we can not create a bond. If we can't create a bond, a foundation, then we can not build upon our relationship. It will not withstand obstacles and day to day ups and downs. I need to know that no matter what the situation my Master is calm, cool and collected. He does not fly off the handle or let his emotions get the best of him. He does not feel the need to scream at me or insult my intelligence If I am not ready to move at a faster pace before a D/s relationship is established and agreed upon. He realizes that consistency, being present and doing what he says he will do is the one sure way to prove that his intentions are real. Unless he is consistent I stay confused.

I also believe that people make time for what's important to them. I do and I'm pretty sure you do too, especially Dominant men. If they want something it's been my experience that they zero in on their target with precision and focus. Nothing stops them, not if it's something that is truly important to them....in their career, their personal life and you, if they are interested in you as their potential slave.  A Man makes time for what is important to him. If he doesn't call, it's because he doesn't want to. If he doesn't remain consistent, it's because he doesn't want to.
Unless there is an isolated extenuating circumstance such as medical or family emergency. Even then a Master can still remain in communication and update you on their situation instead of causing you to worry or be left emotionally vulnerable. Cell phones and internet service make that possible :)

My thoughts are this, if a man calling himself a Master can't remain consistent either he's not a true Master, is hiding something or you're not important to him. His actions towards you, others and in his personal life, his consistency will tell you a story. His past behavior will do the same. We are all on a journey and people do change and grow but if his past history is consistently inconsistent then most likely he will be the same with you.

Consistency, something that is very important to me.

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Lesson Learned

Just read the first entry that i made here and i'm actually cringing with embarrassment. I won't delete it though, i'm going to keep it as a reminder not to be so naive in future. I don't know why i thought this one would be different but the warning signs were there all along, i just chose not to heed them. My bad i guess. I'm submissive not stupid ( although that is debatable at the moment ) and i should have used my head, there is no excuse for it.

I'm not bitter about it, i had prepared myself for this outcome but i am annoyed by the fact that he has wasted a lot of my time these last 2 month. Not just by messing me around but also with the daily duties he had me perform. They took a lot of effort on my behalf and it was all for nothing. My schedule was this..

I had to send him 2 devotional sentences every day, one by text before midday, The other via email before midnight. They had to be sexually explicit. The difficulty arises after a short time because how many different ways can you write sentences about worshipping someones penis without becoming repetitive.
Once in the morning and again at night i had to kneel on the floor, kiss an old shoe and repeat this while doing so. "I am Miyuke, my Master's property. My mind, body and soul belong to him and I respect them as his belongings. I am beneath his contempt. I am honoured to be his slave, his slut, his whore, to serve and be used as he sees fit. I dedicate my entire being to his pleasure, My Lord, My Master, My Owner: I learned the sentence but never worshipped the shoe, it just felt silly.
Then there was my daily plans that i emailed, telling him what i was up to that day.
A daily food diary of what i'd eaten and when.
His initials had to be applied to my body in permanent marker
Then on top of that there was weekly tasks. Had to be something unique, a website he hadn't seen before, a story etc but again something sexual.
A weekly weigh in
Permission to masturbate. If he agreed that i could, i had to put £2 in a jar to be handed to him when we met ( haha hilarious) and he was going to purchase a chastity device with it. Obviously i had to tell him as explicitly as possible how i masturbated. It just becomes a huge hassle so i stopped asking and playing with myself.

So i'm doing all this stuff, online research, erotic mails, losing weight, keeping him aware of my movements and all i would get back was a text saying good sentence or good girl. It got boring for me. I think i could only maintain this for 5 days at a time then i stopped doing it. He was quick to demand and get in touch when he didn't get his daily attention, asking what the problem was and i told him, i can't do this online crap when i never see him. I think thats fair enough. So the other day i got this text from him.

How many plans and sentences have you missed over the last few days. Can you think of a single reason why you shouldn't be dismissed? I can't! In fact it would appear by your lack of obedience you are actively seeking dismissal.

I replied

I have never sought dismissal but believe that this is what you have wanted for a while now. I don't interest you, you don't want me. I can't serve you truly without physical contact. I told you before we met that i was not looking to be ignored for weeks on end, done that and won't do it again. Online is fine for in between times but it's been 2 months now and i need to be of use and you don't have one for me.

His response.

I have been waiting for you to prove that you can fulfill your duties for a whole week without disobeying, forgetting or otherwise failing which you have not managed to do so far. If you cannot manage to do those few basic simple tasks i'm afraid i'm not prepared to allow you to graduate beyond that to a physical presence. You are trying to run before you can walk and it is not acceptable. You knew this and i have given you many chances and allowances and let you off but you simply won't or can't do it. So with regret i am going to let you go. No hard feelings, good luck. I hope you find what you want.

I didn't reply, it's a crock of shit. Run before i can walk? What the hell does that mean? I'm not some newbie having her first experience. I know what i need and want. I found that remark extremely arrogant and it just goes to show he didn't know me at all. This made me laugh " i'm afraid i'm not prepared to allow you to graduate beyond that to a physical presence." OMG, i think giving him oral sex for 5 hours is a helluva graduation.

Nevermind, its over now. The second i got that text i took my collar off and felt like a weight had been removed. Another lesson learned.

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Taking Phone Sessions & Cam Calls

I'm just waking up from a nice long nap, so I'll be available on NiteFlirt for the rest of the evening and into the morning.

You can call me for "phone only" sessions at
1800-TO-FLIRT ext 03028830
or by cicking the button below.

You can call me for "phone with cam" sessions at
1800-TO-FLIRT ext 03028966
by cicking the button below.

My "phone with cam" sessions are available using
AIM, Eyeball, MSN/Windows Live, Skype, and Yahoo Messengers 10.

Get all of My messenger screennames by clicking the button below.

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Frustration..

You know what I find so frustrating? Is seeing him advertising himself, looking for something that he already has but for some reason, refuses to embrace? Everything that you seek in your ads are the same as what I do, the relationship that I want with you is what you are advertising for.

I AM THE ONE THE ARE LOOKING FOR! EVERYTHING THAT YOU SEEK IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN HERE IN ME, HOLDING MY HEART OUT TO YOU..JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO TAKE IT. YOU HAVE NEVER TAKEN THE TIME TO REALLY SEE IF THE INTENSITY YOU ARE LOOKING FOR WITH ME!

You have pushed me away time and again, rejected my love again and again. You sit there and whine and complain about not feeling full and feeling lonely and empty, well that is something that you have done to yourself! I have proven myself to you again and again. YOU are the one not only depriving yourself and me of the fullfillment and loving relationship that we both seek.

Honestly, would it really be that horrible to be intensely in love with me? To have me completely fullfill you in every way? You and I both know that I am A, B, C & D...the only reason you felt unhappy is because of yourself holding us both back from the relationship and future that we both want..with each other. There is no substitution for me and the love that you can experience with me.

Now I feel empty and alone, unfullfilled. I won't go back to what we were because I deserve much more then that from you, I want what you want..with you. I miss you! I always thought much more of you then this, I always had faith that once you finally got over everything that happened, you would be ready to move on with your life with me and the wonderful future that we could have together.

Before we even met, there was a connection between us and when we met there was passion and magic. You know you felt it too, I loved being with you! We enjoyed being with each other and looked forward to seeing each other every week and chatting every night. I loved getting to know you and experiencing us together. Was I getting too close?

I want you and need you and love you...come to me, be with me.. Give us the real chance that you never have. I am so sad and feel incomplete without you...

Contrast

Sitting on the bus years ago, on my way into the town when my attention was drawn towards to a couple who were seated a little way in front of me. A man and a woman both in their late thirties. It was interesting observing their body language, they were very closed off from each other, hostile, resentful. I honed into them so i could hear what they were saying. She was berating him, telling him that he got on her nerves and she wished that he would go away. He looked as if he had given up, there was no fight in him and he just kept telling her to shut up. Rather sad really to see two people who probably loved each other at one time being so nasty to each other.

The got off the bus ahead of me and i watched them walking away. They weren't a couple, they weren't 'together'. Married in name perhaps but they were like two seperate units wandering off. Now that they could reduce their proximity to the width of the pavement they no longer needed to talk, or argue to be correct. Just silence and bad feelings between them.

I had planned to do my shopping but as i was walking up the main street in the town i caught the aroma of vanilla and cigarette smoke ( it's actually rather nice ) and i forgot about the things i should be doing and headed towards my favourite coffee shop. I ordered a large cappucino and took it to a little booth at the back of the shop. I sipped at it and casually looked around. A woman entered, she was like a little blond pixie, dressed in an unusual combination of a feminine dress and a leather jacket. She stood for a moment, holding the door open and a man came in behind her. He was tall, with long black hair, dressed in denim. They both had a grungy look to them but they were very striking. They sat in the booth next to me, opposite each other. They didn't speak,just looked, almost drinking in the others appearance. Their eyes said a lot, communicating without words. He took a cigarette out of his jacket, placed it between his lips,staring at his woman until she smiled shyly and leaned over the table to light it for him.

While one spoke, the other listened, not interrupting and taking a genuine interest. There was something going on between these two, something private but tangible. It was beautiful to see. I admit i was a little jealous of the meaningful and loving looks he gave her and the adoring way she regarded him. Such a huge contrast to the couple i had seen on the bus. I was quite sorry when they got up to go. At the door, the woman turned and smiled at me. That's when i noticed the very thin leather collar that was around her neck.

Turn tail

I am a chicken. I completely bottled out of sending my confrontational email yesterday. I'm not afraid of hearing the truth, i think what spooked me was not getting back some kind of clarification from him. It worries me that if i do get up the courage to broach this that he will let me down by saying that he hasn't changed his mind, that he still wants me and then for things to continue as they are for another couple of months until i get fed up again and start asking questions.

My morning tasks were all done on time today and they were complete but this evening i withdrew and started feeling resentful so no evening tasks have been done. I get until midnight to do these, any time after that and they are considered late and Master takes a dim view of this but hey, tonight, i don't care. It's 2 am and i haven't heard anything from him but i expect i will by the morning.

This is my pathetic attempt at rebellion. It won't make things any better, i know that. All i'm going to gain from this is exactly the same thing i got last time that i assumed something : a punishment that i had to think of, it can't be a physical one that would require his being there obviously and it had to be something that i could administer to myself. Well bloody hell, if i can do all that, why bother with the aggro of having a master to answer to.

Maybe i could start a new trend. Lets call it self-domination. It works just like regular domination but it's more efficient because you're the only force to be reckoned with in this relationship. I'm warming to this idea a lot but i'm going to need some guidelines of course....
How about these

Worship
Forget kneeling, i will lay on the sofa and worship the tv for several hours.

Control
I will show how much willpower i have by only eating one family sized gateaux at dinner instead of three.

Discipline
There will be times when i need to punish myself so a half day in a salon being plucked waxed and encased in hot mud should suffice. Hey it hurts you know and its perfectly acceptable because i'm the master now, i make all the rules.

Orgasm denial won't be a problem because every time i ask myself if i can masturbate i'm going to say yes and the same goes for any other activity i enjoy doing. If it's something that i don't want to do then permission will be denied. I've decided i like my slave to be fat so i can eat anything i want. I've even thought of how to get around the problem of verbal humiliation which i love. I just visit the local corner shop when there is a gang of lads outside. They invariably call you a " fat slag" and ask you to suck their mates cock.

Thats everything covered i think. I feel like a 'twue' slave now. Hah!

Seed of doubt

Hmm, i'm in a weird frame of mind today and it's not good. It's been exactly a month since i met my Master and we haven't met up since then and there has been no mention from him of another date. I've hinted at it, that i really need to see him but he took that as critisism and told me not to whine about the amount of attention he gives me.

How do i approach this discontent i feel with him without appearing as if i'm complaining? He knew about the failings of my last relationship and how unhappy i was with sporadic meetings and all the waiting about i did and now he is doing the exact same thing. You know, i feel as if again that i'm the one that is putting all the effort into this and i'm not getting much back from it. I do my daily tasks without fail and i abide by his rules and yes, i will give him is due, he does acknowledge this but ( and its upsetting me to admit this) It's not enough, not after all this time. I'm not interested in online bullshit. I'm a slave, i need to serve, i need a Master who wants to be with me physically.

So today is the day i take the bull by the horns and just come out and say it and to hell with the consequences. My devotion is beginning to waver and its not fair. I did ask him last week if he had had a change of heart. I said its absolutely fine, i won't be a problem, just call it a day and leave it at that but he insisted that nothing had changed and he still wanted me and that it wasn't up to me to assume things. Ok fair enough but he has done nothing to show me that this is in fact true.

What isn't helping ( or maybe it is actually ) is that i still keep in contact with a small of group of dominant males that i've been chatting to for a while and they have given me their opinion on my situation and they have all more or less said that if they had a sub, they would want to be seeing her regularly, not just for play but to get to know her and do interesting social things together. I take that with a pinch of salt though because thats the same thing that my Master promised me before we met.

This is so awkward, i don't want to make him feel bad nor do i want him to feel that he HAS to see me but if he doesn't see me, my attention is going to be drawn elsewhere. I've done the waiting game and i don't want to waste anymore of my time on it, especially if this is the way its going to be from now on. Like i said in a previous post, these relationships often go tits up and mine is heading that way rather quickly. It's a shame but unless he does something about it, i'm going to be lost to him. My trust will go and once that happens there is no getting it back. And don't get me started on losing respect. I haven't got the stamina for it at the moment.

Thats it for now. I'm going to send the dreaded email to him, explaining whats going on in my head.

Switching

This entry is going to be difficult to write. It's something from the recent past but by holding it in and feeling afraid to to talk about, i'm giving it a credence that it doesn't actually have. If i can just get it out, i think i may finally be able to exorcise it.

The day i met james (and its almost 4 years to the actual day it self) ,i asked him if he had ever switched at all. He said he hadn't but was curious about it and that i didn't need to worry about it because he was dominant, not just sexually but in his working/social life too and he didn't have a need to submit. I was happy with that and thought no more about it. You see, i have heard about submissive women being fierce and fairly dominant with most people other than their Master in their everyday life and they could probably quite easily top a bloke. I'm not like that, by nature i'm passive, quiet and would struggle to dominate a conversation, much less another human being so i was relieved to hear that this wouldn't be expected of me. So we began a relationship that if i'm completely honest was based on sex or to be more precise, his need to recieve oral sex, with the occasional chore/task thrown in for good measure. Hmm strange, i'm getting angry as i'm writing this, not at him but at myself. Never mind, on we go.

So two months into the relationship, james mentioned that he wouldn't mind trying a submissive role. Now, this is where the sly little bastard got me because he said that if i wouldn't experiment with him, he would explore this side with someone else, while continuing to keep me as his sub. Obviously by this time i had developed feelings for him and really didn't want him messing on elsewhere so i agreed to do it reluctantly. It's not a role i'm comfortable with, yes i can do it but its just acting, its not who i am, it's not real. I don't enjoy it on any level.

Over the next 2 years, his sub side appeared more and more and i started losing interest in him. Looking back on it now, i see how badly he treated me, not the bdsm things but the way he treated me as a person. I mistook domination for manipulation, what he did was wrong, he messed with my mind far too much. For instance, he knew i didn't like dominating him but he would insist. I would obey then half way through a session he would decide to change back to his dominant role and i would be made to suffer for not keeping him under control. His capacity for cruelty grew, often ignoring me for weeks and just telling me to come over to his when he wanted something. We never had a conversation, we never went anywhere, we didn't do anything together, not even something as basic as watching a movie or going for a coffee.

My feelings for him changed dramatically one evening. I clicked on his informed consent profile and in the friends section it said that he had met a switch woman from Leeds in real life the previous month. He hadn't told me about this so i confronted him and he insisted he had told me but he honestly hadn't, i would have had something to say about it if this was the case. That was when the rot set in, he said that nothing had happened when he met her, it was just a coffee. I later found out just last week that this was true, from her, she told me she had met James for coffee but she rejected him, she thought he was arrogant, had too high an opinion of himself and that he was a snob. She had his measure right enough, she didn't like him at all and they hadn't played but regardless i didn't trust him any more.

March 2008, a week later i had had enough. The relationship was going nowhere, he wanted kids and marriage and i wasn't going to sit about doing his bidding while he did what he pleased. I know that sounds strange, i can put up with a lot but i will not be used while my supposed dom ( never called him master ) looks for a fertile replacement. So i ended it, i told him to his face, gave him the reasons and said i hoped we could still be friends. He agreed and i left. I never heard from him for quite a while, more than 4 months. It suited me though because we had nothing in common and had never actually been friends while we were together.

We saw each other on and off over the next year or so. He adopted his sub role more and more which i didn't mind, he was easy to get along with when he was like that. I would spend hours talking to him about it, trying to guide him. He said it was something he needed to do, to get it out of his system before he settled down. That should have been a huge hint that he was a player because i couldn't imagine ever getting that part of me 'out of my system'. The strangest thing was, that during our D/s relationship he had always been remote, unfeeling but now he was getting clingy, wanted hugs and affection, wanted to see me all the time.

Summer last year, i was desperately missing all the good things that come with a D/s relationship and i wanted to start looking again for a dom. I mentioned it to james and he didn't take it too well. I felt sorry for him so i kept quiet about it. I started getting offers from dominant males but i declined, partly because of james and mostly because i didn't feel they were what i was looking for. So, thats how things went on until i got a message on CM from my current Master who piqued my interest and everything else. There was no way i was going to pass him by because of my pathetic ex.

The night i met Master, i told james and made it plain that until i had spoken to my Master about him, i wouldn't be able to see him because i didn't know how he would feel about that. I never actually got round to mentioning james because i have zero interest in the man, i don't want to see him again and i haven't seen him since i was collared. True to form though, he reacted badly but then he consoled himself by thinking that i was just making up stories about being collared, i wouldn't tell him who my Master was so in his mind i was lying about him. I couldn't be arsed to argue with him but i assured him that my owner was very real.

The following Saturday morning i got a text off james, he needed to talk to me so i went on to msn. He said that he had finally had a realisation that he wasn't dominant at all, that being a sub was what aroused him the most and that he wanted to meet a domme. I put him in touch with one of my friends, an older lady but very good at what she does and told him that she could help him out, in a safe environment. He got in touch with her and they arranged to meet the next week. I was pleased for him and once again spent a lot of time talking things over with him. After a while i told him that i was meeting my mate but i would check back in with him when i got home. Some time later i arrived home and went back onto msn just to see how things were going between him and my domme friend. He wasn't using his sub ID, he had logged in using his dominant one

The conversation went like this...

amanda: Why are you using this account?
James: Just chatting to a subby
amanda: After all you said earlier on?
James: I'm going to meet her.
amanda: Whatever, i'm really sick of this now.
James: she doesnt know what I have been wearing throughout the conversation
amanda: Yeh, you should tell her you're wearing a chastity device, tell her what you are, a fake.
James: I'm Dom
amanda: Hilarious, ok.
James: No I am. Its just my dog wont cooperate
amanda: I am NOT your dog, i told you this.
James:listen, I may just have to take a few days off from being sub as I explore this one.
amanda: Take forever off.
James: I knew you would take it well
amanda: I couldn't care less. You aren't my problem.
James: You dont mean that
amanda: Don't i?
James: Well it might be for the best
amanda: It is, i wash my hands of you.
James: I understand. Listen lets talk tomorrow
amanda: Nothing to discuss, i'm done.
James: we will talk again but I understand
amanda: No we won't and no you don't understand.
James: I'll leave you to cool down
amanda: I'm not het up.
James: I'm too tired just now chat later
amanda: Listen, do what you want to do, i honestly don't care.
James: listen I was never looking for a life as a sub
amanda: Nothing more to say, it doesn't matter.
James: chatting to her now on cam awkward
amanda: I'm sure you will manage to lie your way through it
James: would rather chat to you later, alone
amanda: Really, there is nothing more to say, its all been said. Its time you moved on. You don't know what you want.
James: Bye for ow
James: now
amanda: No james, its just goodbye.

Then i blocked and deleted. He is also removed from my friends list on profiles. I blocked his phone number and email address. He can't contact me. I really do feel used and spat out by this parasite, he betrayed me and my trust time and time again and i think the reason i got mad earlier is due to the fact that i allowed this to happen, i put myself in that position and let him take the piss out of me. I thought i was getting something from him, that being submissive meant that you had to suffer, that you didn't get your needs fullfilled, that all you do is serve, blind servitude. On reflection, i deserve what i got for being so stupid.

Alpha Male

Still loving my ownership and everything that comes with it. I was just pondering why it feels so different with my Master from all the other relationships i've had. I think it could be that we didn't wait about, chatting online for months and maybe getting a false perception of the person behind the screen. Plus, he made such a great impression on me, right from the start. I felt so at ease with him, he is not like the usual males i encounter.

Master takes good care of himself, physically and mentally and he is patient, persistent and consistent. He told me what he wanted and didn't need to ask specifically what i wanted because as he got to know me, he knew what was good for me and thus, what was good for both of us. He didn't drill me with a bunch of silly or sex charged questions. He showed me pictures of himself and shared personal information with me without me having to pry.

What drew me him the most was how respectful he is and i believe he has my best interests at heart and he cares about my welfare. He never once whined about fakes which is a common theme, he was too busy looking for what he needed in his life to give him satisfaction and fulfillment, not wasting time on people that weren't suitable. He did, after a short time request some kind of verification from me so i sent him a short video of me saying hi and in return i got one of him.

It's awesome knowing such a well rounded guy, he isn't a fantasist thank goodness and although he does push and stretch me, he never gives me unrealistic tasks or goals. I've never had such a mental connection with anyone before and everything just seems to be falling nicely into place. I know these kinds of relationships can go tits up in a rather dramatic fashion but for now it is an amazing relationship to be in, its symbiotic and healthy and from now on, i won't ever settle for anything less.

Enlightenment..

I have decided that I am not going to try and force myself to date someone just to try and get my mind off the man that I love, instead I will do as I had orginally thought and concentrate on the things that I would like to improve upon of myself and my life during this time.

It's pointless for me when I have no interest in being with anyone else, only him. I only want the best of what he can provide and the best of what I can provide for him. The best of both the vanilla world and the BDSM world for us both. For me to obey and serve and please him in whichever manner he should desire. My total submission to him, as his slave, his property. His personal sex toy for him to play with as he wishes. Also, to be acknowledged as his girlfriend to the outside world. His best friend and confidante that he can share any feeling or thought with. My only want is to be with him...

I cannot and do not wish to have sex with anyone either, I have to have intimate feelings for that person. The person that I have those feelings for is him. I love him immensely.

I had been feeling insecure in our relationship for awhile now and I know that it has affected the way that I have behaved around him. I had previously felt very secure and special to him and was completely being myself around him, I wasn't worried that he still wanted to be on the dating websites because I was confident that I can and was fullfilling his wants and needs in every way. It really shook me when he cheated on me with another woman and then proceeded to have a relationship with another. It was absolutely horrible to have him go behind my back that way and definitely had an impact on my feeling of security in our relationship, trust in him and even my self-esteem. I became this person who constantly questioned and worried about whether I was the only one, that is not the person that I like to be or am. Even when he reassured me, I still worried and asking him made me feel like I was pathetic in his eyes.

I miss him so, I want him so...I want to be A, B, C and most of all D for him. I wish as I've always wished, that he would choose me and the beautiful future we could have together. I would like us to either start over with each other and build or for our relationship to evolve and move forward.

Conversation

I had a rather thought provoking chat with a man yesterday. We discussed domination and submission. How surprising! He says he is dominant but switches occasionally and it was the topic of male submission that intrigued me the most. He said, and i quote " his submission is (clearly consenting) but with a struggle... I get off on the forced aspect of it rather than the "wanting to please" aspect. " and " I like dominating best!! And to be honest as I think about it now I wonder if my submissive side isn't just another way to "free" that aggressive domineering nature - only in an environment that is less about agreement. I just want to cum, if that isn't an option, i lose the control "

I didn't really get it to begin with but i spoke to my Master about it and got his angle on it and now it kind of makes sense. At first i thought when he said he lost control he meant that he started getting violent almost but now i see it a bit like this....

A female friend of mine told me about her first D/s relationship. She had been exploring the aspects of domination and female supremacy online for a long time and eventually met up with a male sub. Bearing in mind that this was her first experience, she didn't recognise the red flags and made a lot of mistakes. Like the guy i mentioned a moment ago, her sub did not have a deep rooted need to serve. For him, it was about getting his sexual needs satisfied and he used my friend, his domme as an instrument to do this. A really unhealthy exchange of power that left her drained and him content.

For example : He needed constant attention and had to be reminded of his place all the time. He had to be in a constant state of arousal or he would lose interest and start playing up. He wasn't happy just to be in her presence, he had to be worshipping her feet or she had to keep humiliating him with demeaning pointless tasks or name calling. He was inept at pleasing her sexually, emotionally or socially. They couldn't have a regular conversation, everything centered on his sexual gratification. She would come away from seeing him feeling tired, frustrated, used and yes, angry. She eventually ended the relationship thank god, she saw the light and realised that he wasnt a sub at all. Since then, she has found herself a slave that fullfills HER.

So i think this is what he meant about loss of control. Any subbiness he feels leaves him if he isn't going to be able to orgasm. It's a total contrast to the way i serve my Master. It would pain me so much if i found out that i wasn't enhancing my Masters life. I want him to feel relaxed when he is with me, i don't want him to have to constantly think about wether i'm happy or not. My happiness comes from knowing that i'm serving Master in the way he requires. I want to entertain, amuse and listen to him, fetch anything he needs, do whatever needs doing. I don't need reminding of my place or my worth, i don't need rewards or praise. His approval is my reward.

Empty

I am so depressed, here I am, so in love and yet so sad... I miss him so, I miss being with him. I miss being in each other's arms. I miss the smell of him, the feel of his touch. I miss his voice, his laughter. I miss doing home reno stuff with him and just everything..

I figured okay, that I would try going back on the dating websites and move on, find someone else to help me forget the one that I love...maybe meet a new love.

But it has failed, I can't even bring myself to actually meet anyone, I just have no interest, they are not him. None of them appeal to me at all, I only want to be with him...

Why oh why did I have to fall in love? With all my heart and everything in my being, I love this man. I feel such a strong connection with him, emotionally in tune with him. I usually already know how he is feeling before he even tells me. I get him, everything about him I love. Even when I am exasperated with him, I still love him for who he is, himself.

I so wish that he would open himself to me, accept and embrace my love and return it. Want me as passionately and intensely as I do him. I have been holding back from him because he says that he already feels overwhelmed, I love him. I meet his needs and wants as much as he has allowed me too, I give as much of myself as he has allowed. I haven't even been completely myself around him, I act different around him. I thought that I was being the way that he wanted me to be, instead I was apparantly only annoying him. He says that he doesn't really know me, maybe that's true.. He gets frustrated with me at times because I have been deferring to him on pretty much all decisions. I was only doing that because I do like too-I think he is really intelligent and I admire him very much so and value his take on things, but mostly because I thought that's what he expected of me and I very much wish to please him. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions and choices, I am quite intelligent and can and have been taking care of myself and my children on my own for years now.

Even with all of this, he gets me and understands me as no other has. I still believe that we are meant for each other, the best match for each other in every way...I wish that he saw that as well. But he closes his eyes and his heart to what could be the best part of his life, has always held us back, not allowed himself to feel because it would mean a different future then the what he envisioned for himself. Does he ever stop to think that this different future with me and my children would be much more fullfilling?

I won't accept less then what I am willing to give, I want it all and I want to give it all to him as well. I can't go back and be back to where we were...I need us to move forward, I have waited long enough. I have self-sacrificed and put everything in-it's time for him to do that for me..step up

Online

I actually quite enjoy reading slave journals on other websites i've come across over the years. I've just been reading one now, it's quite comprehensive with a new entry being written most days. A lot of the things that the slave talked about resonated with me, it's comforting to know that you're not the only person that has these thoughts.

I read her journal backwards, starting with the newest entry first which began with how she was no longer owned. I felt for her, knowing how painful that can be. Going back through the months, she talked about how much she had changed and grown under the guidance of her Master, how much she loved him, how her TPE relationship fulfilled her. It wasn't until i got to the last few entries when i realised something. Her 'meetings' with her Master were always described as sessions, detailing that they talked or that she was used as the instrument of punishment when she had disobeyed. It dawned on me, she had been serving this guy for 2 years but they hadn't actually met.

Now, i'm not one of them people that looks down on online relationships. They work for some and thats fine, if it makes you happy then go for it. But, i was truly amazed at how much this woman was submitting online. If it is true what she said, her Master did have total control, even things like her bank account and that came about within the first week of her begging for her collar.

That brings me to another point, begging for a collar. Whats that all about? I don't think i could see myself doing that. If Master hadn't offered his collar when i met him, i wouldn't have asked/ begged for it. Its his choice to give it and not my right to ask for it. These are just my opinions, my thoughts, i don't wish to offend anybody.

Beginning is Easy

Well, a lot has happened in the 3 weeks since i met my Master. The relationship is moving along quite nicely. My previous unsculptured existence has been re-organised and i now have some structure in my life. Admittedly i have made mistakes already. My timekeeping isn't as good as it could be but i'm doing my best to improve it with his help.

Sometimes when i sit and reflect, i can't believe how lucky i am to be collared by a man who is never impatient, who shows an interest and actually listens and takes note of the things i tell him. Nothing gets by him and if i do slip up, he is quick to notice it and resolutely gets me back on track again. He doesn't threaten, he acts upon it.

This is a contradiction but i'm bound to him and yet i have never felt so free in my life. I have nothing to hide, no subject is taboo. He knows all my dirty dark secrets. It's true when they say " Capture the mind and the rest will follow."

Company of Wolves

I was supposed meet him at 1 pm. I did really want to get there before him so i could watch him enter and approach. It didn't happen that way though because i had fussed and fretted all morning about what i was going to wear, that it was actually 1pm when i stepped off the bus and i still had a 5 minute walk ahead of me to get to the pub. My phone beeped, oh god i had a message. For the next few minutes the conversation went like this :

"When you get here, come straight into the pub and turn right. I will be in that room."

I replied saying " Thank you, getting off the bus now. I will have a cigarette en route. "

"Can i get you a drink, ready for when you arrive or will you choose when you get here?"

" Would you choose something for me please? "

" Glass of red wine here for you. "

A panic stricken " Thank you. "

" Enter and turn right when you are ready."

" Come on in i won't bite."

" Lol ok, coming now "

I stood around the corner, fretting for such a long time, i was terrified. I saw someone in my peripheral vision turn the corner. I thought it might be him and i visibly jumped but it wasn't. The poor woman looked at me like i was mad and i don't blame her, i must have looked a bit frazzled by now.

It is now 1.15, i was very late, i had kept him waiting for quarter of an hour. First and foremost i really didn't want to piss him off and secondly he had been so patient with me and he even had the good grace not to mention my poor time-keeping so that is what gave me the courage to make a move. The walk down to the pub was like a living nightmare, my knees kept giving way, i was shaking and i couldn't focus my mind enough to cross the road safely.

Eventually i managed to get across the road and i approached the pub with the precision of a military operation, keeping out of the line of sight of the windows so that if he did happen to look out, he wouldn't be able to see me. I got to the outskirts of the pub and hid behind a bit of tall stone wall. Slightly hysterical, i giggled at how ridiculous i must have looked while i tried to catch my breath. I cowered there for another five minutes then made the final plunge ahead...

You had given me exact instructions as to where you would be. I pushed open the door of the pub and i saw a bar ahead of me. Luckily enough the place was quite empty. There was only a group of 4 women sitting next to a table in a nook beside a large window. I glanced at them but they were engrossed in their conversation and didn't notice me.

There was an arch to my right and i could see through it into a small cosy looking room. The walls were lined with the usual pub paraphernalia, empty spirit bottles and various brasses. I walked towards the arch, my shoes sounding painfully loud on the polished wooden floor. I still hadn't regained full control of my legs yet. A few more steps and i was in the room that contained my possibly future Master.

He was sitting in the corner on a high backed wooden seat. My first impression was that it reminded me of a throne. Snatches of a previous conversation came back to me, about how he liked his space so i had made a mental note not to sit too close to him. He smiled, stood up and embraced me. I felt embarrassed by his proximity because he smelled so clean and scrummy and i must have reeked from all the cigarettes i had smoked that morning in my panic.

After we had hugged, he indicated that i was to sit opposite him on a low velvet covered, padded stool. True to his word there was a glass of red wine on a table mat, placed in front of the stool and he was drinking a pint of some ale. I sat down, so did he and i stared at him for a few moments. He was dressed in black which i love, broad shouldered with a slim waist but he was well built, powerful looking and he had the most amazing warm smile. I honestly felt like a fat urchin in his presence. A voice in my head was saying " Kill me, just kill me." I mean, i didn't want to be killed or anything like that and i was being rather over dramatic but i could have quite happily crawled under the table and hid.

To help things along and to embarrass myself further ( i'm good at doing that ) I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head. I said " You're very good looking." It was true but it probably didn't need to be said at that point. He was very gracious about it, he thanked me and if i was making him uncomfortable, he didn't show it...

Just wind me up and watch me go. I honestly have no idea what i gabbled out next. I was gushing like a schoolgirl, having 2 conversations, one with him and one with the sensible me in my head. Sensible me was telling me to stop acting like a fool but my runaway mouth wasn't taking the slightest bit of notice. Thankfully, he silenced me after a while. He just said, " You look cold." Then he reached over and took my hand in both of his, rubbing it gently to warm me and get the blood flowing again. It gave me time to pause and think back.

We hadn't known each other very long really, it was less than 3 weeks since he first contacted me. I wouldn't normally feel confident meeting someone this quickly but if i am completely honest this is the first time i have actually been eager for it. I had been hoping that he would suggest we come together, sooner rather and later. During the time that we spoke online, we discussed the things that he would expect from me, the kinks he enjoyed and what i could expect from him. He shared information with me about his personal life without me having to ask and i adored him for that, i hadn't known this kind of openess before. He did encourage me to ask questions though and if there was anything i didn't understand fully, he would very patiently explain it to me.

Daily tasks would be a part of my new regime, nothing major or too time consuming, just little rituals to remind me of him and of my devotion to him if things progressed further. I wanted them to but obviously that would be his decision and i still had no idea if he thought i was suitable or not. The next thing that happened gave me a clue that he was thinking of keeping me.

He noticed that i was wearing a bracelet and he touched it, examining it with such gentleness. I blustered because it was turning me on having him examine my cheap bit of jewellry. He turned it around so that he could see the charms underneath, carefully saying out loud what each one was as he delicately touched each charm in turn. I mentioned that i had forgotten to wear a necklace today and he said that was ok, that he had a necklace in his pocket for me. He handed me a black jewellers box. I was stunned and touched that he had gone to the trouble of buying me a gift, it was unexpected. I tried to prise the lid off but my fingers had no strength in them. Like a child, i meekly held out the box and asked if he could open it for my please.

Inside was a silver chain and a round pendant. It showed a black pewter wolf, howling at a white enamel full moon. It was beautiful and a perfect choice considering an interest that we both share. Actually he reminds me of a wolf at times. I shivered because i knew what this meant. The necklace was to be a symbolic collar, something that i could wear in public as a constant reminder that i belonged to him now. I stared at it for ages, drinking in what it would mean once he put it around my neck. I reluctantly closed the lid and handed it back to him for later. We ordered another drink, chatted some more then left the pub to go to his home. I was so excited...

Walking beside this very attractive, tall and virile looking man was giving me cheapies. His home is at the top of a very steep hill. He strode ahead of me while i trundled behind, jogging some of the time to keep up. I couldn't help but smile at how ridiculous i must have looked. We arrived at his front door, he entered and i stood on the doorstep, red faced and out of breath. I asked if i could stay outside a while so i could smoke but he said no, i could smoke inside and he told me to come in. We went into the living room, i was handed an ashtray and i lit up while he opened a window. I didn't want to smoke in front of him and felt bad for doing so, especially as he sat beside me on the sofa. I turned away from him slightly so i could blow the smoke out of the window. Now i'm thinking about it, it was a rather ignorant thing to do but it didn't occur to me at the time. I felt his hand in my hair, tugging gently, playing with it. I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation, losing myself to it, not wanting it to stop. I stubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray and turned to face him. He allowed me to rest my head on his chest for a moment then i was told to get up and follow him to the bedroom.

Standing at the bottom of his bed, i removed my shoes and coat and put them on the floor. I was told to kneel, my very first submissive act for him. My eyes were down but i could hear him moving about then i saw his boots arrive right under my face so i knew he towered above me. I heard him say, "Take your top off." There was no hesitation, i didn't pause and removed my top without question, plus the blouse i was wearing underneath. I am quite shy so didn't remove my bra but he leant over me , unhooked it and slid it off and my skirt was dispatched in the same way too. He told me to look up, he had crouched down and was holding the pendant. He said, "You know what this means don't you, you know what it symbolises?" I nodded my head, yes! Never had i been so sure of something. He was offering me the chance to serve him and to be the slave i knew i could be. There were no doubts, no second thoughts, just YES!

The collar was placed around my neck with a polite reminder that it was now " Yes Master."

"From the very first moment I saw you across the room, I knew you were my destiny. No man had ever captured my attention so fully or made my heart skip a beat the way it did that chilly February day. Your smile lit up the entire room, your laughter was delightfully contagious and your mere presence warmed my heart and soul"

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Journey..

I had always been curious about the BDSM world, always turned on a little by dominant men and intrigued by the dynamics of d/s relationships. I had never shared that with anyone, much less someone that I was with.

I came across this man, who turned out to be interested in the same thing on a vanilla dating website. I was drawn to him in many ways and he wasn't even my usual type at all, but I found him to be quite intriguing. The more that I uncovered the more I wanted to know. We connected..

He drew me in with his talk of what he wanted in a slave, the things that I began to yearn for. Also, the more he taught me about what a d/s relationship between us would be, the more I wanted to know and especially to experience with him. It was so natural for me to be submissive to this man, we just fit each other. When we met, we had a very magical, passionate night and were together since. We would spend weekends with each other and very much looked forward to being with each other. We would chat almost every night and I looked forward to those chats. I loved getting to know this man. I loved hearing about his day, about his projects..his thoughts and feelings. We always had interesting conversations. He stimulated me...

We matched each other quite well and our relationship felt good. He made me feel special, beautiful, important and intelligent. With him, I overcame some of my fears and insecurities. He didn't belittle me for them.

But then things had happened that I was unaware of and unprepared for, I didn't know to handle his pain..I just wanted to help him and move forward with our relationship and he just wouldn't give it a chance to see what he would feel if he let me in . He would not open his himself to me and would do things that didn't even do anything for him, in order to push me away. Everything that he wants is in me, I am the reality and he is not prepared to be able to handle that. I wish that he was because I love him so.

I gave and gave and he took, I wanted to give more but he held me back to a point. I'm not sure when/why he stopped cherishing me and appreciating me, when he started taking my love and loyalty, my submissive self for granted.

I've never done anything to deserve any of this, to deserve his cavalier attitude towards me and everything that I have to offer, my heart. His constant rejection has left me feeling unattractive and that maybe I'm just not worth giving a chance too. That letting himself go and being in love with me, would be the worst thing ever.

I feel sad and numb, I cry alot..I am in so much pain. I pretend to others that I am okay and smile but I'm not.

I am stupidly in love with him. I think about him being with someone else and opening himself to someone else, giving them the chance to really be with him when he never did those things for me. That I put the effort, the time and my heart into him and our relationship for him just to go and offer someone else the relationship that he scorns at having with me. Someone that hasn't done anything to even deserve or earn his love, whereas I have.

He is right, our relationship cannot change unless he wants it too. We cannot return to what we were because relationships need to evolve and grow or they will stagnate and die. Ours did evolve and grow but not in the way we both wanted because he decided before even giving it a chance to see what would be, that I did not fall into what his picture of his future was because I have children, so he decided that he would not be falling in love with me, regardless of the fact that I do meet his needs and wants, that I do provide him with everything that he is looking for. That I am his match and that he is mine, in every way. Well what did he expect was going to happen then?

I am angry with him for this, for depriving both of us of the true relationship that we could have been having already. The happiness and fullfillment that we would both feel with each other, the love..

We need to either have a fresh start with our relationship with both of us going in with open hearts and minds, or move forward onto the next step of our relationship together, again with both of us having open hearts with each other, being fully comitted to each other in every way. For him to not only fully acknowledge to others that I am indeed his love, but also to acknowledge that to himself.

He said that he cannot do this anymore, that's fine, I can't do that anymore either..I refuse to go back to that. I want to be with him, but fully be with him..to have a loving, fullfilling, comitted relationship with each other.

When we talked and he invited me over the other night, I thought that I might have finally gotten through to him and reached him. Then when I came there, I felt nervous like I did the night we were going to meet. I didn't mean to come across as cold when I walked in the door, I should have just given into instinct and dropped my stuff and just thrown my arms around him and kissed him the way that I wanted too...I was just nervous and I was afraid that I would muddle it up...

I am glad that he said that he didn't regret asking me to stay with him, playing with me that night or us having sex the next morning. I am glad that I kept my eyes open as he asked me too, that I did make that effort to let him see inside me and that he said he did feel more with me. It was the first time I had done that in our entire relationship and I cried after, I really bared myself to him more then I ever had and I was just overcome with emotions...

Faithful Servant

Adrian has said he'll be patient for me to decide if i want to become his slave again. A few things have been weighing on my decision, which has inevitably put me in limbo.

I knew what I wanted and saved myself for the "right" person. It took years - 8 to be exact - to find the right person to dominate me. It was more than just throwing myself to any ready hand. I don't believe I'm above or better than most, I just wanted to find the right hand to touch, torture and please me. Someone who could mentally and sexually attract me.I wanted to swoon from their individualistic demeanor and feel my knees weaken when they commanded me.

He took to it with eagerness. But he failed to see how special it was to me. He perverted our experience, thinking with his cock, and inherently dirtied our things. He may have bought them but those were our things. Toys that brought pain, pleasure, love and servitude. I feel like I gave him my virginity and he spread himself like a disease.

He didn't see our sessions as spiritual experiences until long after I decided to end our M/S relationship. It seems it was just a way to control and mold me to his liking. Which I believe is only given to a Master/Mistress who has proven they are capable of protecting their slave emotionally, physically and psychologically.

Adrian tells me he didn't know what he had until he lost it but I can't help but ask myself, "Does this man deserve my servitude?"

He did things behind my back when we weren't together and when I couldn't take it any longer I ended our M/S relationship. So THEN he really didn't have to tell me anything. He didn't give me the respect or honor that I should have been given.

If I can't trust a man... why should I put my faith in him?

I gave him something beautiful... in a state that I found special and unique. But it wasn't unique. It was superficial. Fake. We were fake.

Just something new to tell any whore or child who'll listen. Your welcome for given you the "Wow!" factor.

And yet, like always I'm stuck like glue to your side. Even as I write these words my heart aches. Because I'll always love him. Because he can be romantic and thoughtful. Because he can be a good man.

The way that I feel..

I've hated being without him, a big piece is missing, but am no longer willing to settle for less then what I deserve and want. I refuse to mollycoddle him anymore, It's time for him to step up and show me that he is worthy of my love. For me to be his slave, his partner, everything that I bring and do for him.

He kept me there with the promise of our Master/Slave relationship really coming to fruition and our relationship maybe having a future, was he just leading me on?

Because if he ever did have any intention of actually seeing where we could be he wouldn't have kept me at a distance, he would have gotten off the dating websites, he would have brought me around as his girlfriend, he would have cherished and appreciated me and what came with me. He would have done those couple things with me, that he did with others. Listening to him telling me about the things that he did with others, for others used to make me feel so bad, especially when he scoffed at any mention of doing those things for me. What an utter fool I have been..

People kept telling me that he was just using me, that he would not love me, that he wasn't the man that I thought he was. But my heart and my instincts said otherwise, so I followed them..

This makes me feel so bad about myself, am I really that unworthy of being loved? Why do people take advantage of me, use me when they need me, hurt my heart.

He never did give our relationship a chance, never let it really get off the ground. He decided that I didn't fit his picture of what he wanted for his future so I guess he felt there was no point in even seeing where it could go. Kept me at arms length, kept me away from friends and family, shunned me as if I wasn't good enough. You wasted so much time, we could be very happy, could have been already very happy and enjoying life together.

All I did was love and understand him, stood by him and did everything that he allowed me too meet his wants and needs in every way. To please him..

He says that he has A, B, & C with me, but not D...not the emotional intense love that he wants to feel for someone. Well what did he expect when he continuously rejected it? When kept pushing it away? Because he is afraid..

I just feel so hurt and lost. I trusted, I opened myself to him, gave him my heart. I am so dissappointed.

I loved him and took very good care of him, I compromised alot for him and our relationship. There was alot of effort put in. I think about him, the way that he would touch wherever and whenever he pleased, how much I enjoyed him doing those things to me. The things we would do together, sexually and otherwise. I absolutely, honestly loved it and him.

He says that I am so sure and that he wishes he could be, well guess what? Life isn't sure, love isn't sure...I am confident in how I feel for him and that I believe that we are great for each other and would have a great life together but there is alot that I am unsure about, that I am afraid about too.

I completely entrusted myself with him, I invested in him in every way.... My Master, my love, my lover, my best friend....he understood me in ways that no one else has, he got me, in tune with how and what I am feeling and I for him. I miss him so much.

Except when he was doing the pushing away, he did make me feel special, made me feel good about myself..even when I was feeling insecure. That I mattered...

I know that I do deserve and need to be loved, cherished, respected and appreciated by the man that I love as I do for him...

I bared my soul to him and told him that I need him and love him. I meant it, I hope that he saw that in my eyes when he was inside me...God help me..

Sad de Moi

Woke up this morning crying, just feel so down, still crying. Felt so down and depressed yesterday as well and the day before and the day before. I was happy that he contacted me, he misses me and I miss him too.

Can't shake it, tired of just going through the motions day after day, pretending that my world hasn't crashed and that I am the happy, cheerful girl that I am when we are together. I had thought that maybe I had finally gotten through to him, maybe I have, but he is not ready to do anything about it..won't let go of his safety net that he keeps around him to let me in, this breaks my heart. I totally and completely opened myself to him yesterday and let him look into my soul. I wish that he would let go of his fears and inhibilitions, that he would trust in me, in us and have some faith.

But I shouldn't have kept pushing like I did, I just hate that he is wasting his chance wtih me, at true happiness and love. I'm sorry....

I am glad that we spent the night together, I've missed him so. He is worried that doing so may have made things worse, but it hasn't. That doing so is giving me the wrong message about moving on with my life and he is wrong. I am and have been moving on with or without him-but I still love him very much and need him just as much, time apart hasn't changed that. It doesn't change the way I feel about him nor has it changed the way that I know he feels about me. Having him being away from me hasn't lessend the amount of love that I have for him and I know that he loves me. Maybe I shouldn't have played with him that night instead of just enjoying snuggling with him and having sex with him in the morning, because he says that causes confusion for him. I just miss that intimacy with him, being with him.

I'm not going to go anywhere tonight, I don't feel like being around a bunch of people pretending that I'm okay and happy. New Year's is about celebrating the end of one year and the the beginning of a new one with all the possiblities to look forward too, really what do I have to look forward too?

He is the only one that I would want to celebrate that with and he doesn't wish to celebrate with me...it hurt me so much for him to reject me again..

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Everything & more..

I love him, in spite of him..

He is everything to me and more...being with him is so natural to me. Devoting myself to him and his wants and needs always has and still feels so natural to me. I want to take care of him and have him take care of me.

I loved to be in his arms, he held me so tightly...like he didn't want to let me go and I didn't want him to either. It just feels right..

But I can't settle and neither can he. I want love, companionship, acknowledgement..if he can't give that to me. Be with me wholly......

I wanted him today, so much. He wanted me too, but held back. From all that I offer him. I bring alot to the table and have so much more to give, I need it brought back to me. He is everything that I want and everything that I need. I am everything that he wants and needs, but he won't let himself go..

I'm not accepting of that anymore, he is not going to have me feel insecure about our relationship and me worrying anymore.

I love him with all my heart and soul. It's hard for me to lay my emotions out in the open, but I have tried too with him. I am afraid of the power he holds over my heart..

I'm happy that I saw him today, I'm glad that we talked with each other and were open with each other.

Choices..

I've had some clarity and have come to a realization..

He has made the choice at this time not to love me as I have children and this does not fit into his future plans, and that is his choice. He feels that there may be someone else out there who may be a better fit for him then me. He also feels that there maybe someone that will meet my needs and love me the way that I wish to be loved, a better fit for me. As long as he wonders this, he cannot fully be with me. He has not and will not allow himself to invest in us. He needs to explore and see if there really is someone that would meet his needs better then me, that would understand him and be there with him, for him better then me, that he would love more then me. Unless he does that, he will always have that doubt in his mind and heart.

So at this time, so I understand what he is meaning by needing to be apart. He does need this space and time to explore, if he finds someone that is a better fit (or I do) during this time, then that is that. At this time, I need to concentrate on myself and my children. I really don't wish to be with anyone else at this time.

What is meant to be will be..if he finds someone else, or if he comes to me with the realization that I am truly the one for him and vice versa. I cannot and will not try to sway him, I have not contacted him unless he has contacted me first..except on his birthday. I haven't stopped by or begged him to come and see me, I haven't come up with any excuses to have us see each other. I am giving him the space that he requires at this time.

I do miss him and I do truly love this man, but am no longer willing to accept anything less then a true relationship, where I am acknowledged, cherished and loved. I am willing to start with small steps, but no longer will I be making excuses/allowances. I am willing to honour and obey better then I ever have, given that these needs are met ....I need to be met halfway...

His Birthday...

Tears rolling down my face again, waves of grief wash over me..

How could I have let someone get so close to me to be able to hurt me like this?

I woke up this morning from yet another dream of him, this morning that I should have woken up beside him. It was his birthday yesterday and we were supposed to spend it together. He had even taken the day off, I had special plans for us. Instead I only spoke with him on the phone, I asked him if he still wished for me to come with him and he said that he was okay, he didn't want me to come.. I sent him flowers, he said that no one had ever done that for him before and it was one of the things I had already planned for his birthday. I always put effort and thought into his birthday.

The first year we were together, I knew how much he enjoyed playing the bass and that he wanted to fine-tune his technique, so I suprised him with a bass lesson. He was very happy and really enjoyed it. The second year, I made him Jerk Chicken with Rice & Peas from scratch...I had gotten the recipe from an older Jamaican woman that I worked with. He enjoyed this as well.

Next weekend he is planning on getting more peircings done and some stranger is going with him, I would have loved to go with him and have a day out there. Instead he's going with another woman. The thought of him being with someone else kills me inside. He is the man that I love, the man that I wanted to share life with, experience with, grow with..as a couple and as individuals.

I know that we both need this time apart, space and maybe even to be with someone else to be able to see what we really do mean to each other..but it hurts. He is my everything and all and I had so wanted to be this for him.

Where is his heart and his soul? I don't understand how he could have been with me for so long, share intimate times with me, laugh with me, then just walk away. I gave him my heart and he just handed it back to me like it was nothing. Was I really nothing more then just a sex object? My time, my effort, my faithfullness and loyalty, my love meant nothing?

I am more then good enough, for him and for anyone else. I am worthy of his love, as much as I do still love him..is he worthy of mine?

Worthy..

All I feel is sadness, instead of feeling better..I seem to be feeling worse. I cry every day, I have nightmares.

Why did I ever let someone get so close to me? To be able to hurt me?

I feel so sad about the things that we still hadn't done, the things that we did. We were supposed to go away together again, I worked so hard to wrangle the deal he wanted, all for what? What a waste...he could at least have waited until after we came back. I was so looking forward to going with him again, We had such a good time together last year, there's no one else that I can imagine going there with.

He was the only one who really saw me, he understood me..he got me. I tried with him, even when it was hurting me..I didn't give up. I made him my priority and I worked at our relationship. It made me happy just to be in his company, to be held by him. I liked being his little sidekick as he took me along with him. I loved holding hands with him wherever we walked. I loved him playing with my pussy, my breasts, even my bum. I loved how he felt inside me...especially feeling him orgasm inside me. I have no desire to have sex with anyone else. I took myself off of the dating website.

I stood by him through everything and always would have. His needs were met, except emotionally and that was his own fault because he never let me in.....He made that decision not too because me & my children didn't logically fit into his plans. Now I am the one who is hurt.

He asked me once if I would ever purposely hurt someone and I said no, because I just couldn't do that. It never occured to me that he would. I trusted him with me. I never did anything to him.

I need and deserve to be cherished and loved. To be respected and honoured as I do. It really took alot for me to let him in, to let someone that close to me....to have my love thrown back in my face.

It was really good seeing him the other day. I wasn't going to call him back, I didn't know if I was ready to see him.... I thought I would just completely fall apart in front of him because I've been having alot of anxiety attacks and have had a hard time controlling them. Thank God I didn't. As it is, I humiliated myself before he left, I was weak and wanting to be with him so much.

Didn't he see that I was already vulnerable when he met me, as he got to know me? I had already been hurt so badly, why hurt me more? I try very hard to be strong for myself and others, I needed that back.

I know that relationships evolve and even sometimes end. That's a part of life. I do understand that, if the relationship doesn't evolve and grow, then it stagnates and dies. I just hate that he didn't give ours a chance, he didn't let it even have the chance to see what we could be. He kept me seperated from his friends and family. Into his mind and his heart, share his inner most thoughts and darkest secrets with me. Why be with me for so long if there was no love? I know that there is, he just decided logically that I didn't match his plans so what was the point in seeing what a future with me could be, well sometimes plans have be adjusted or altered. It doesn't mean that you won't reach your goals, it just means that you are taking a different route then the one you had envisioned to get there.

I took a risk with him and gambled with my heart. I didn't know quite what I was getting into at first, but I felt such a strong intimate connection with him, almost from the start. When I did find out what was going on, I wanted to go, but had faith and stayed instead. Believing in him.. I invested everything in him.

Yes, I made mistakes and I'm far from perfect. I truly am sorry and deeply regret when I displeased him. I tried to follow what he wanted me to, when he actually communicated it. It was hard, because mostly I learned what his expectations were as I went. I was more then willing and able to be trained by him, molded as he wished but still be myself and manage things in my life that I needed too. That is what I wanted as well. To serve him and be of use by him in whichever way he saw fit. To be his slave, his partner, his friend, his love..everything all in one.

I hate that the way that I'm feeling. I hate hurting. Sometimes it feels like he gets pleasure from my pain. He said that he cares and I know that he does still, but I feel tossed aside. I just hate that he has taken himself completely away from me.

It seems that it was so easy for him to do this, that he doesn't even miss me at all, that my time, effort and love was nothing to him at all.

Even with all that I am feeling, I know that space and time apart is what we need at this time, although I miss him so...I have been very good and not contacted him at all.

I am strong and have been through worse. I have alot to offer someone who is worthy of all that I have to give. I thought that he was worthy, his actions of late has shown me that maye he maybe he is not the person that I thought he was..

As for him, sometimes you have to lose something before you realize how much it really was worth....

Today

He came to see me today, to bring back my stuff and get his...I dressed nicely and did my hair and make-up. I wanted him to have this as the memory of me, what he has lost. I was planning on just giving him his stuff and then saying good bye. But then we started talking..about our relationship, about us as individuals.

He told me that he knows that if he wanted to have sex with me, that he could. I said maybe not.

I broke down at the end, I was pathetic and said that I just wanted to be with him in any way that he chooses...ultimately I know that I couldn't accept that. I love him and need all or nothing. I miss him..he really was my everything and all. I feel numb...

Last day in LA.... MOVING BACK TO HOUSTON THIS WEEK

I was expecting/hoping to already be on the road to Houston YESTERDAY, but things didn't quite happen that way.

The last I heard, at midnight last night, My friends had not yet made it all the way across Texas. This means I'm still in L.A. and still taking calls and cam sessions today.

After that, the lights and internet in My L.A. apartment will be disconnected, and hopefully My friends will have arrived by then and we will be loading the truck to drive back.

Either way, I will be unable to take any calls or cam for the 2 to 3 days that it will take to drive to Houston from L.A. (maybe longer, since I'll be riding in a truck with a pregnant girl and a toddler... which means lots of bathroom stops and food stops).

Even after I get to Houston, My availability on NiteFlirt may be limited for 2 or 3 more days, until the internet and electricity are connected and My computers are set up properly in My new apartment.

CALL ME TODAY!!!
Otherwise, you will have to wait till Sunday or Monday (or even later next week than that) before I will be available again on NiteFlirt!!!

SO START DIALING!!!
DIAL MY NITEFLIRT EXTENSION
YOU KNOW THE NUMBER!!!
1800-863-5478 ext# 03028966

ALSO,
PPV SALE ON PHOTO SETS AND VIDEO CLIPS HAS BEEN EXTENDED
TILL NEXT FRIDAY... LUCKY YOU!

Sinfully,
MISTRESS GENEVIEVE
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Today

Today was pretty hard, when I woke up to find that he had taken me off F as well, I just couldn't stop crying..I felt so horrible. I am glad that he did put me back on..

It's been weird picking clothing and stuff in the morning, I always tried to dress in a manner that he would like, to please him. I don't know what to do with myself, I feel very alone. I've barely eaten, the food even though it smells good, just doesn't interest me and it's an effort to chew it, so I have a couple of bites and that's it. Liquids seem to be okay though.

Nothing is of interest to me right now, I tried to delete my profile on the dating site..but I couldn't figure it out so I hid it instead..

I miss him...

Friendship

Now he doesn't even want to be friends with me on Fet? He taken off all of his profiles everywhere..

I don't understand what I have done so terrible for him to just be able to toss me aside like I'm a bag of trash, I was with him for almost 2.5 years..they weren't horrible years. I think that I was pretty good to him. Did I really mean this little to him? If so, where is his heart? Where is his soul? Even just the compassion for another human being, much less someone that you were so intimate with...

I had invested alot of myself in him and our relationship, had faith in him/us and believe in him/us. I mean I even moved here...

Maybe I was completely wrong about him and what type of man I thought he is. It's enough that he broke up with me, but to not even be friends after the time that we have spent together. I would have thought that we would at least be that.

I understand why he wanted this break, it's been a long time coming and we both needed at least some space to explore ourselves and other people. I didn't have the strength to do that, he did. I don't wish to be with anyone else at this time, I am taking some time to myself to get everything in my life in good order and be with my children.

I love him and it devestates me that he has done this as it is, but please at least be my friend...

My Everything..

God I miss him already, the smell of him, the taste of him..the feel of him inside me..

I don't know what to say, I've tried. I put in the effort. At the same time, I know that I've done wrong and been irresponsible which has greatly disappointed him and myself. I kept saying that I would do better but kept letting things get in the way of what needed to be done..

He is everything to me, my best friend, my lover, my Master, my love..just everything. I feel numb. He never gave us a chance, never let me be with him wholly.

My only desire was to be with him, love him and serve him as he sees fit. But he never let me in...I feel sick to my stomach and my soul. My hands are shaking. I feel cold. My heart is hurt.

My baby, my love..all of me I give to you...

Mon Amour

something just for you.

Me being polite may have fooled you into thinking i'm a bitch. keep stepping on my toes and i'll beat your ass. i'm not being catty, this is a warning. i will end this before it becomes drama in my life.

oh and thanks for forcing him to change his number.

Poly. Why?

Image via Wikipedia

I came across a post on one of the BDSM sites I visit asking why any sub would want to be in a ploy relationship. As the discussion went on, it expanded to why anyone would want a poly relationship.

Since my wife and I found a third, the article caught my attention. I can't say why "anyone" would want a poly relationship, but I can say what appeals to me about it and why it works for us. My wife and I are both bi-sexual. We are totally committed to spending our lives together. The two of us and my son are off to a much better start on a blended family than many of the straight couples I know. My son loves her, she loves him like he was her own child (and often refers to him as our son).

As a couple things have been good. My wife has always had multiple partners, but as we got closer the number dropped to three. Her boyfriend, me, and an occasional third. The third was not a good fit for a relationship. A three way for sex, great. Let us relax after work while he did the chores, not a chance. It scratched and itch, so to speak, but wasn't really fulfilling. Her boyfriend didn't appeal to me even for that. We met our third at munch. After a quick discussion (and talk with someone who knew him really well), he got invited to our place to play.

He was great as a sex partner, our kinks fit well, and we share a lot of the same interests. After a few weeks, all of us found that we really wanted to be together. Now both him and I come from a mostly monogamous background. So becoming a poly three some was new (once in a while sex is very different from an actual relationship).

So why are we trying to make this work? My wife and I may not need a man, but we enjoy the sex and I can't totally enjoy meaningless sex (just not wired that way). She finds that she needs a strong male influence to keep her balanced. I a few switch tendencies, not enough to totally sub, but enough to need the release of giving up control. He is a switch that serves when he wants, but has no problem taking control. And as far as family? My son thinks our new man is awesome. They sit together talking, playing games, and hanging out. If the fits is right and everyone really loves and cares for each other, does it really matter what shape a family takes?

Strong Enough To Break

I don’t feel myself today
Just a figure in a big monopoly game
Struggle is the price you pay
You get just enough just to give it away
I’m sinking but I’m floating away
Throw me a line so I can anchor my pain
The fabric is about to fray
The fabric is about to fray

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I’m strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I’m strong enough to break

Been running through my mind today
Scenarios to add to your hypocrisy
No one ever takes the blame
But everyone is searching for a cure to the pain
Nothing ever seems to change
Oh, nothing ever seems to change
We just play like broken records in a deaf man’s charade

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I’m strong enough to break

Carry on just a pawn and the same old song
I’m still holding on

The fabric is about to fray

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I’m strong enough
Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I’m strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I’m strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

Long Time Off

Lack of Internet and time forced me to be offline for quite a while. Lets see in the past year: lost male sub, gained female sub, married the female sub, still working out the details of how marriage and a collar work.

So life is very full, very active, and totally insane.

Ever have those days where all you want to be is a missing person? How about those years? Not to say that some of the events weren't happy or exciting. Its just really, really past time for things to slow down and let me catch my breath.

So here is the secret that subs don't want to know. Doms don't always want to be calling all the shots. We need times when we aren't making all the decisions. A close friend of mine said he wanted to quit being a Dom or a Top. Many of the subs I've know don't feel they need to take responsibility for their part of the relationship. The attitude is "I'm here, now play with me".

So much is happening for me at home and at work, that all I really want is to come home and rest. A perfect sub for me right now is one that just wants to make me happy (without needing lots of direction at it). I could use the house cleaned, laundry done, home repairs, things like that. Kinky sex is so far down the list it isn't even funny.

So any free male or female subs that are low maintence and easy going out there?

Starter

This is a start
that I know I'll believe in
so I'm leavin' everything behind

Keeping the parts
that I know I'll be needing
and I breed to be a better kind

And I'm leavin' everyone behind

This is the age
when my past should be gone
but it's just stronger than the aims I have

Turning the pages
I used to hang on to
I was young and I have changed my mind

And I'm leaving everything behind

New beginning again
a bit closer

new beginning again
a little bit closer

New beginning again
a bit closer to the end

This is the time
it's a delicate line
to the beginning of what's yet to come

Lifetimes of changes
a strange generation
explanations never come in time

So I'm leavin' everything behind

Uncertainty

"Mari i know if you dont get back with him you may regret it... If you do get back with him i think you may be a bit happy but i think everything, all the lies and the pain and crying that he put you through.. you may resent him and hold it against him and it may destroy what you two try to rebuild. he needs to regain your trust, cause he did alot of really fucked up things to you. how can a person do all that to a person that they "love"?"

"you need to stop letting him push you around. your not together anymore .. he will keep doing shit like this to you and he will most likley take the other side over you (like he has in the past so many times.) this shit will never end and your the one that lets him hurt you cause i dont think he will stop... hes unhealthy for you and you will only stay miserable."

"i wish i knew what to say or do to make you completely get over him... He's already pulled way too much shady shit already and it just sounds like more crap ... i think he likes seeing how he can hurt you, how much he means to you ... and what he can get away with reguardless if you do physically hurt him ...it is super unfortunate that he's such an ass and you keep going through it."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a completely different note... my teacher is painting me in a "Dia De Los Muertos" kind of look. It will be on display in the art building of vista in two weeks or so. :D

A PET'S TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to
be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have
your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your
voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and
yet, I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if
something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have
been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't
bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if
you are there, because I love you so.

November - Azure Ray

So I'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly
I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain
But I turn them off and tuck them away
'till these rainy days that make them stay
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And I dont think they'll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we cant go back we're on our own
Oh,
But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself
So were speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you're not here
And i think I'll want to be alone
So please understand if I dont answer the phone
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All my eyes can see is all I know
Ohh..
But I'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself
Doo doo doo(x9)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I miss my little boy. It's agonizing and I feel alone in my pain. What is life worth living for without him in my arms.

I dreampt about him calling me mommy. Seeing him play with some future children i had. all i wanted to do was hold him and tell him i was sorry and that i loved him. and that no one could take us away from each other. ever again.

No Other Way - Jack Johnson

When your mind is a mess
So is mine, I cant sleep
Cause it hurts when I think
My thoughts aren't at peace

With the plans that we make
Chances we take
They're, not yours and not mine
There's waves that can break

All the words that we say
And the words that we mean
Words can fall short
Can't see the unseen

Cause the world is awake
For somebody's sake now,
please close your eyes woman
Please get some sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other, there is no other way

Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves

But at least we can sleep,
its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other, there is no other way

This Weekend...

met some new people this weekend. it was interesting to see who adrian befriends. don't know how to feel about it... it's not a competition. adrian and i were a little offended through out the night. don't know what else to say about that.

saturday was amazing though. when we woke up stephen was being really cool. i made everyone breakfast tacos and we all hung out and joked around. then, adrian, andy and i hung went to WEC. Adrian is right... when andy and i get together it's like we're the asshole twins. it was fun to have the three of us goof off all night. we got stuck behind some obnoxious drunk women though. luckily we moved to another row. the fights were intense! i met a stripper from wild zebra too. so adrian and i got two free tickets. pretty excited to see if it's any different from sugars. sugars was a complete dissapointment. we pay less to see more at dance parties. we promised to take andy with us when we hit the strip club. LOL. then we went to lulu's. it was one of the best days we've had in a long time. i love andy.

BrokenHearted....

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music at the moment people dance and sing
Were just one big family
And it's our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Go away then, damn you,
Go on and do as you please,
You ain't gonna see me gettin' down on my knees.
I'm undecided, and your heart's been divided,
You've been turning my world upside down.

--------------------------------------------------------------

All of these things people told me
Keep messing with my head
You should've picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it

----------------------------------------------------------------------

You were my sun
You were my earth
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no
So you took a chance
And made other plans
But I bet you didn't think that they would come crashing down, no

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Im young but Im wise
Enough to know that you
Dont fall in love overnight
Thats why I thought if i
Took my time that everything
In love would be right

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

You told me you loved me
Why did you leave me, all alone
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me, on the phone
Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With some other guy
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river

The more i think about it.... the more i hate you.

Smokey Robinson You Really Got A Hold On Me

I don't like you
But I love you
See that I'm always
thinking of you
Oh, oh, oh,
you treat me badly
I love you madly
You've really got a hold on me
You've really got a hold on me, baby

I don't want you,
but I need you
Don't want to kiss you
but I need you
Oh, oh, oh
you do me wring now
my love is strong now
You've really got a hold on me
You've really got a hold on me, baby

I love you and all I want you to do
is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me

I want to leave you
don't want to stay here
Don't want to spend
another day here
Oh, oh, oh, I want to split now
I just can quit now
You've really got a hold on me
You've really got a hold on me, baby

I love you and all I want you to do
is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me

You've really got a hold on me
You've really got a hold on me

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't think i could forgive you. i don't see how i can find it in my heart. it's not the first time youve lied to me and it probably wouldn't be the last. Every lie is a straw... and it has finally broken my back. i can't condone your behavior. and i'm not going to marry you and have children with you and be stuck with you, unhappy and alone. i love you but it's not worth it and i can't find it in my heart to see it so.

I'm Going Insane

Yet again, i'm trying to always understand where you're coming from. Trying to find a reason to fogive what you do. Trying to make sense out of things that i probably shouldn't even bother with. You're constantly making me feel like a fool. An idiot. Worthless. Meaningless. And just not good enough.

Why do you lie to me?! Why am i not good enough for the truth? You tell me you'll wait til i feel you deserve it. But, do you deserve me? i'm not sure you do anymore. Have i not stayed by your side when you non-chalantly tore into my ego and soul. You have broken me down to the floor and just in case i didn't get the idea... you piss on me.

You make my mind spin out of control. My god. You had just gotten caught in a lie. Said you wouldn't do it again. And lied in the same FUCKING paragraph of a conversation. You are the reason for my misery.

You don't deserve me and i'm not sure if you ever did.

Consideration

Adrian and i have talked about reconsidering getting back together and renewing our old D/S relationship. So many things are running through my head. i thought would be happy about everything. But now all i feel is anxiety. Have things really changed? How much have they changed? i feel my heart wrenching. i just read my old posts... and i never want to feel that way again. and do i really want to be with someone who told me "Date other people, if you can't find someone, i can find one for you." or "well, let's just enjoy what we have right now. you'll find a new dominant" and "you can always swing with me and my wife" these things are running through my head... i don't know if it's worth it. is it?? i was devastated. and i know i can't stop loving him. but what is better.... heartache or another cycle...

and i want to talk things out, forget about everything and start new. but would we really be starting new? or would it just be a new set of issues he can sear into my heart. he called me a best friend and he says he loves me but he lied to me. how can you lie to the person you say you hold so close? he called someone else a best friend, found closure with her. i'm offended and tormented. i don't know what to do. i know when i think about it i want to slap him.

i just feel tormented and confused and suffocated by my own misery. can he really change and learn? or is he just going to damage me even more like everyone is telling me he will. no one wants to see this happen again. i didn't have someone's arms to cry to. i cried alone. i was alone. and they saw the pain in my eyes and i told them as emotionless as i could what was happening. they hate him for what he did to me. they told me to get over him before he stripped me of everything they loved about me. do i really want that to happen? would that happen? i don't know.

Ms. Genevieve special guests on TalkingSexRadio.com Oct 4, 2009

Catch Me, Mistress Genevieve, when I make a special guest appearance, this Sunday, October 4th, from 7pm to 9pm PST on "In Bed with Madame Sunset" on talkingsexradio.com.

When you put 2 of Hollywood's most infamous perverttes in the room with a camera and a microphone who knows what you'll see and hear!!! Be sure not to miss it all live as it happens online at http://www.tsrnetwork.com/.

MISTRESS GENEVIEVE

official website: msgenevieve.com
phone & cam training: beta.niteflirt.com/users/MistressGenevieve
video clip store: clips4sale.com/store/4083
fan memorabilia: zazzle.com/msgenevieve
yahoo fan group: groups.yahoo.com/group/mistressgenevievesslaves
myspace: myspace.com/mistressgenevieve
twitter: twitter.com/msgenevieve

Priestess M in LA, short notice sessions today only

My friend, Priestess M of San Diego, is visiting Me in LA today.
We will be taking short notice appointments for both on-on-on and Double Domme sessions today only.

If you don't manage to book with us today, Priestess M will still be available for sessions in LA on future dates with advanced notice, and I, Mistress Genevieve, am available for same day sessions in Los Angeles 7 days a week with no less than 2-3 hours advanced notice.

To book or inquire about compatibility with Priestess M, please call her directly at (619)272-1623.

To reach Mistress Genevieve for booking and information please call (323)462-9447 from an unblocked number.

MISTRESS GENEVIEVE
http://msgenevieve.com
http://niteflirt.com/MistressGenevieve
http://clips4sale.com/store/4083
http://myspace.com/mistressgenevieve
http://twitter.com/msgenevieve
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mistressgenevievesslaves

p.s.
I, Mistress Genevieve will be in Austin, Texas and accepting select sessions from October 8th through October 12th. Book now by calling (323)462-9447 from an unblocked number.

Till NiteFlirt is up, call Me here for phone sessions

Okay, I'm tired of waiting...

Since NiteFlirt is down still, I'm now available phone sessions at this number 1-866-646-2428 extension 13069.

When NiteFlirt is back up, I will return to using NiteFlirt for My distance training, chats and consulting curious novices around the globe via phone and cam sessions.

You can't keep a Texas girl down!!!,
Mistress Genevieve

p.s.
Speaking of Texas... I will be in Austin and accepting select appointments between October 8th to 12th. The prodigal Domme has been gone to goddamn long!!

Tonight

Tonight I am sitting here waiting for my Master to come over, I was so excited to see him as we've both been working alot the last few days. I've so missed him and I love to sleep beside him...

He came in very stressed tonight and I feel that I inadvertantely added to his stress by asking him if he wanted to go to a Munch. He was upset with me for suggesting it as he does have more important issues on his mind. I just thought that it might be something that he might relax and enjoy. I definitely did not mean to irritate him....

Now he's gone home.....I'm so sorry :(

I'm performing this Wednesday @ Club Hell, 6356 Hollywood

I'm performing with Vena's Evil Dolls on Wednesday @ Club Hell; Ivar, 6356 Hollywood Blvd 90028 www.myspace.com/hell_club. Come checkout the show!!!

The first 50 guest to arrive in fetish medical attire receive Toxic Medical Waste Gift Bags including lifetime membership cards to the next generation of HELL: Fetish Nation.

MISTRESS GENEVIEVE

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Julie Simone is back in LA and ready to play

I am proud to announce the return of Julie Simone to Losa Angeles and to be hosting her sessions in My dungeon.

Julie Simone's specialties include :
Rope Bondage (voted best in the industry 2004), CBT, smothering (w/latex on), smoking fetish, sensory deprivation, foot worship/gagging, bastinado, breathplay, trampling, tickling, boot worship, ball busting, OTK spanking, SOT, corporal punishment, caning.

Style ranges from sensual to strict.

She does not engage in any fluid transfer or shower play, please do not ask.

Appointments are available from 11am-12m. To book a session you may calll Julie Simone ay 573-820-0164

MISTRESS GENEVIEVE

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BDSM Powerpoint Pt 4

BDSM Powerpoint Pt 3

BDSM Powerpoint Pt 2

BDSM Powerpoint Pt 1

Enough..

There are some things that you just can't take back, you can't go back and erase what you've done..how you've hurt...

I can't stop the tears from coming when I think about him taking another woman to this intimate event, the one that he should be taking me, the woman that he is actually with to. What has this woman done to deserve to go with him, that I haven't?

Things have been going well with us lately, we've been spending good time together. I've loved sleeping beside him...

I want to call him and ask him to either not go at all, or contact this woman and tell her that she cannot go with him. Be truthful and tell her that I'm not okay with him going with another woman, that he values our relationship too much to lose it over this...

I don't think I will though, he knows how I feel, I have already told him how I feel.... He can still fix this now, but afterwards...I think that it might just be too late...

Pushed Away

My Master has asked another woman to go to a wedding with him, even though he knew that I would love to go and we would have a great time together. I feel that I've been rejected...it's a slap in the face, one that I didn't deserve. I am the one who has been with him, not her. I'm the one who has invested. A wedding is an intimate event and he's willing to bring some chick that he is interested who has a boyfriend, who's never had any outside of work contact with him, apparantley deserves to go with him.

Whatever...I do love this man and on one hand I would like to give him space, but on the other hand, this hurts me and I'm not sure if I can or want to have anything to do with him if he does bring her and not me...Another push...

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He Who Has No Name

i am left to decay in the sunlight
left to despair in the dark abyss
unappreciated, played for a fool
you.... i will never miss

i cry the tears of my sorrow
broken... i bleed out my pain
you are emptiness with a smile
lost in the vanity of your name

i put up the collar of servitude
i leave the reign of heartache
feel the wrath you've brought upon
and a smile that's surely faked

.... and if you cried a single tear
that had emotion lost within
i hope that tear could feel the pain
that you have thrown me in

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Worn Out

i got home from class, start reading my financial aid information when my dad starts barking orders at me. i'm so tired. he's been sitting down making the place a mess. i cleaned before i left. his area is trashed and he's asking me to clean it again. i'm tired of feeling like his mother or his maid. i'm miserable. i hate my life here. then he asks if i'll clean the bbq pit. i tell him i just got home so he says well bake the ribs. HE decided to pull them out. HE decided to invite family over. HE said he would do it. But because he's too busy flirting with stupid skanky ruthless bitches online... HE's trying to make me do what HE said he would do. i'm tired of it. Then he starts yelling at me for not being able to find baking dishes. They're there... HE just wants it set infront of him. And then he starts yelling at me about having the plates being packed away. Well i'm sorry that you told me you're moving out in a week and i need to start packing HIS stuff (only me!!!). HE doesn't get me boxes or tape. HE wants me to do ALL of it in one day. i'm sorry if my life does not revolve around you!!! FUCK!!! i had a paper due. So i start packing thursday because i have to ask Master to bring these things so i can have time to write my methodology without being stressed out of my mind. My dad says he's going to leave that weekend! Then on Saturday... tells me he's not sure when he's leaving. i'm sorry if i don't want to unpack everything i already have packed. it's not like u don't notice the boxes in your dining room!

And then in the end... i feel guilty about thinking or writing this. i will probably ending up deleting it.

And you know what's even funnier... he calls me lazy and a bad daughter. HA. funny.

I don't know...

We put together a contract, which we discussed the details in length. I took the time to type it up, then he amalgamated it all and made the final version. We both went over the details again....then signed.

He was passionate with me and we spent the day together, I did what was asked of me and tried to remember the rules at all times. I did mess up a few times and he corrected me...I went home with the understanding that I would be training again tomorrow.

As he likes me to check with him before I make/change plans, I did so and he said that he wouldn't be needing me until later on. I came straight home and got ready for him....the call never came. I wanted to get my nails done today, so I had messaged him for that and he said to go ahead. I did and came straight home again, should he wish to see me. I text messaged him asking if he would like to see me, he hasn't even responded.

In our contract, we both agreed that we would not date/have sexual relations with anyone else. This was discussed, although I have been faithful to him for the last two years..he hasn't been.

I think the reason why I didn't get a call from him was because he was with someone else and maybe still is, I don't think that he came home last night or if he did, he wasn't alone. I don't know if he is seeing his ex or maybe even someone new. I respect him enough to be completely honest with him and to keep my promises, I don't know if he sees me as someone to be respectful of.

I feel that it was rude of him not to let me know that he didn't need me last night, knowing that I was waiting to hear from him to let me know when he'd like me to come. I do realize that I am at his beck and call and am willing to be so, but I think that I deserve a little common courtesy too. Is that too much to ask?

I feel hurt and disappointed. I have been so looking forward to this part of our relationship finally coming to fruition and I am making the effort, I even wrote in the journal he bought for me to pen in daily last night. Is he going to?

Our relationship..

I am broken inside, shattered... I can't seem to stop crying.....

I've never felt such an intimate connection with someone as I do with him, have never felt completely safe and comfortable as I do with him. I love him and would be more then happy to grow old with him...

I love the things that we have experienced together and the things that he has taught me. I so admire him and want to learn more...

He says that he is not truly happy with me, that he doesn't feel the same love for me as I do for him...that he wants that intensity. I don't blame him, I want that as well and I do feel that we have more then just that. I feel that our love is the lasting kind, the kind that gets couples through the good and the bad. The kind that you see in marriages of people that make it to celebrate 25th anniversaries and so on. Yes, there is fire..maybe a little more so in the beginning and I think that is what he truly misses. He likes the hunt, he likes the newness and the discovering of each other time, he likes the intensity..the passion of new relationships. He says that he doesn't feel that intensity with me as he has with some others, but those relationships didn't last..they burnt out. Ours would last, but it does have to grow and evolve or else it will stagnate...which I believe is what he has been feeling. The hunt is not there and he enjoys that, the game. I am always there whenever he wishes for me to be and I guess that I've chased him a bit. I tend to go after what I want and I love him.

Everything that he is looking for and desires is within me, it always has been. He hasn't had that intensity with me because he was so hurt and numb and afraid, even though he does want that feeling...it woud have been the same with anyone... Also it really is real with me, not just in theory...reality. Everything that he wants, the best of both worlds with me..actually coming to fruition...Life, Real love...

I realize that I am not perfect and that the decisions I make may be questionable at times, that he wishes for me to be more independant. I guess that I have been going to him deferring to him and his opinion on everything, maybe too much. I misunderstood as I thought that was part of what was expected of me as a slave, not to mention..it is nice to get someone else's perspective on things. Sometimes I'm not confident in my own choices either... I mean, my life hasn't exactly turned out the way that I had envisioned.

Right now we are going to concentrate on the Master/Slave portion of our relationship and see how that goes. It's something that we've both always wanted to do with each other. He has asked me twice but never really went through with it. He says that we will do so now. This I am really looking forward too with him. I'm glad that he has decided that now is the time for us to really experience this aspect of our relationship. I will do as I am told and obey him, I'm hoping that he does take full advantage of this with me... He says that I'm not allowed to call him and that since we are really concentrating on this, that we will not be doing the things we usually do unless he feels that he would like us too or is treating/rewarding me. This will definitely be an adjustment...I will do as I am told, although I will miss just being able to pick up the phone and just talk with him, see how his day is and so on.

Wish me luck...

Lesson 10. Slave Journal: The Discipline of Self-Disclosure

Activity 1
Try writing in your journal without using the capitol "I" to refer to yourself. You may want to substitue the lower-case letter "i" at first.

Later, you may want to avoid personal pronounds and possessives altogether.
Ex. this slave spent the day cleaning Mistress' boots and was content.

Activity 2
List three possible solutions to not writing "my Master"

Master
He
Owner

Lesson 9. Obediance Training III: Self-Discipline

Activity 1
Name five individuals who embody the virtue of self-discipline for you. What can you learn from them?

Master: He was clean for many years, no matter how much people were doing around him. He kept himself clean and didn't sleep with anyone (excpet a few times); he goes to school full-time and works full-time. He rarely gets angry. He keeps himself under control.

Andy: Is clean from drugs, cigarettes, alcohol. He is a sweethear.

Mom: My mom was an alcoholic. And even though she was forced to quit, she has it under control.

Joey: He keeps his personal life and work life seperate. He always juggles everything responsibly and never acts out of stupidity.

Myself: I quit bad things. And that took a lot of self control. I am proud of myself

Lesson 8. Obediance II: Awareness of Others

Activity 1
Someone you have met in the last day or two. Eye color? Height? Color of shirt? Age? Name? Mood? State of Mind?

The woman at H.E.B.; red shirt; later 20s; alright mood; working; around my height??

Some you say daily (not close friend)

My english teacher; dont remember his name; mid-thirties; can't remember his shirt; blonde; not sure his height, shirt, eye color

Activity 2
Next time you go out to eat remember your servers name. Address them with their name.

Going out to eat tonight and meeting a friend's interest. I will try my memory skills then.

Activity 3
How can you tell a person is angry? Depressed? Excited? List 5 non-verbal cues for each.

Angry:
tensed body
anger in the eyes
tension in the air
silence
deep in thought

Depressed:
dissacosciated
sorrow in the eyes
very hunched body posture
looks off into the distance
mouth seems to be too relaxed

Excited:
Body seems lively
eyes spark with interest
can be deep in thought but aware
smiles from ears to ear
very proud posture

Activity 4
Go to a public place, close eyes, use senses to locate person physically closest to you. What can you say about that person? Gender? Age? Ethnicity? Voice? perfume? how havy is their tread? Now descrive this person. Open eyes, how accurate was your assessment?

Will do this in class later today.

Lesson 7. Learnt

Activity 1

i must admit i haven't been meditating. i know i should, but i have been consciously debating my life, emotions and trying to come to grips with my past. i have been continuosly questioning life and trying to understand my and others actions.

Activity 2

i come to realize how much i really hunch and how bad i hunch. i have also realized how weird it feels to sit up straight and how much i use my back muscles instead of my stomach. i realize i don't get uncomfortable in public unless i make myself uncomfortable. and i'm not quite sure why or how i do it. i just change my mind thought and i become relaxed again. i believe i overthink and believe i should be uncomfortable. which has never been an issue before until i went homeless.

Activity 3

I have surprised myself in the memory games. I've done the first two levels pretty well. the third is still pretty difficult for me. but i believe i will get better at it.

Contemplating

i've been debating whether or not this is the right thing to do. i adore Master. He is amazing. But sometimes he hurts me beyond belief. And i know it's because i'm very sensitive. Extremely to a fault. And he thinks i don't appreciate what he does. But i do. Very much so. i know he doesn't have to do what he does. And it's never expected just hoped for. And i love when he surprises me with gifts of affection.

Master has been getting closer to me. Wanting to visit me more often. But it also confuses me and puts me at a fork in the road. He says he will be moving to Austin in a year and a half. i know this is going to crush me. i am trying to protect myself. i love him calling me. txting me. coming to visit me. taking me out to eat. and dancing with me. but i'm scared when he leaves i will feel so amazingly lost. i can't imagine life with out him. i just don't know what to do or think.

i told him i wanted to keep my personal business to myself. but at the same time i know i won't. so should i just say that we're both completely honest? because i know it will work that he will keep his business to himself and he will pry the information out of me or i will just tell him.

he asked me to get permission to date other people. but should i? i don't believe i should. i could not make Master happy. so i would like to find someone who i can make happy. And then it makes me think can i make anyone happy? i'm overly sensitive. and either i'm a little bit of an asshole or i'm just taking things too personally. Master says i need to work through my issues. but i'm finding it hard to feel motivated to do so. For what really? i'm going to be in another doomed relationship. i'm going to be sifting through the pieces wondering what went wrong. and i'm going to feel even more hurt and lost then i was before. i want to move on but i'm wondering if it's even worth it.

i'm just asking myself a lot of these things and wondering whats the point of trying to better myself when Master will leave me and i will be doing it knowingly. He says live in the moment. But how can i live in the moment when i know it will be doomed in the end. And guess who's going to be crying and confused? i am. Not him. He will miss my constant worship. But he will find it somewhere else. And his argument is i will find it too. But that's not what i want to hear or think about. Not everyone can play with people's hearts and emotions... and pass it off as inexperience.

I'm just confused. And always scared to write these things. Because i push him away even farther. He won't let go but he makes me suffer for them. That is not what this is supposed to be about. This is supposed to be about trust and i feel like i'm punished for speaking my mind when he asks me to do so.

i say i want to let him go but i don't believe i could let him go. The punishment is amazing. The sex is amazing. no one can touch my soul quite like he can. And it scares me that no one can do that again. Master says i can find another master that will make me happy. But then he says whats the point in finding another lover because they can't touch me the way i want to be touched. He helps confuse and torture me. i don't believe he knows he's doing this. But it is hard on me just the same. i just don't know what to do or think anymore. i want my dominant side to kick back in. Say fuck this. i'll find something new. But i feel like i'm glued to his side being dragged along until he makes a decision of leaving me on the side of the road.

i've read many letters of people telling me to let him go. To find a new Master. But i wonder if this is being said for personal gain? Or is this from experience?? i don't know what to think. And i don't know how to even reply to them. i just know that i need to think about everything. And i need Master's support and words. But that never seems to happen. We say we're going to talk. We never do.

Not The Right One

my head is spinning and i feel collapsed inside. he has abandoned me for the last time. i can't take this. nor can i do it again. my heart aches and my body yearns for something he is incapable of doing for me. he is not the right master for me. and i hurt for it. he doesn't answer the phone, i'm left crying alone AGAIN. only for him to say he's at one place then i hear a bird and a dog barking. he's at a "friends" house. i'm done trying.you tell me it's important to have trust in you. but you lie all the time. i'm not looking for it! you do it so often!!!

i feel like everything in me wants to scream. he just hangs up on me. but he wants to stay "friends" FUCK YOU! i don't know what else to do, but cry. he tells me he'll call me later. highly unlikely for me to answer after you hang up on me. you are the same in the end. from when we were together to being my ex master. hang up on me and ignore me some more. like you haven't done it before. you can't take care of me. obviously. you abandon me when i'm begging for you to come and hold me. i hope you enjoyed last night ignoring my calls. and i hope you enjoy what ever your doing now.... because i can't take this... i don't want to take this. GOODBYE.

Things Not To Say To Your Master

Pushing limits does not mean making Master so angry the vein above his right eye throbs.

"Quit it!" "Ow, damnit!" "I'm hiding that toy when you go to work tomorrow" and cursing a blue streak are not safe words.

"Oh my god, where did you get those, they are gorgeous!!!" is not considered boot worship.

"Ya want fries with that?", "Want me to drink it for you too?" are not appropriate remarks when Master gives you an elaborate drink order.

Flipping your dominant off while your hands are cuffed behind your back is a bad idea. Owners have ways of knowing these things.

Putting lube, goop, Superglue, ink or any other substance that will sully the hands of Master on his toys while setting up for a session is not a good idea.

Kicking that toy you hate far under the bed is futile. Master will only secure your wristcuffs to your anklecuffs and make you crawl for it... repeatedly.

"Bite me" is never an intelligent response to a command.

Doing your Beavis and Butthead imitation of "Fire, fire, fire, fire!" during Master's lecture on fireplay safety is considered rude.

Responding with "Yes, All Wise, All Knowing Grand Imperial Weenie" is not appropriate when Master asks you if you are comfortable during a bondage scene.

Asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes while Master practices his Japanese rope work on you will try his patience, quickly.

Crossing your eyes and sticking your tongue out while your dominant is discussing your punishment is not wise.

There is no such thing as slave immunity, free slave day, or the pms defense.
The slave jury might not convict you, but the Dom judge will override the verdict. Count on it.

Pretending Master's collection of buttplugs are toys and singing the "Weebles wobble but they won't fall down" song is not a good idea.

Repeatedly blowing out each candle Master lights during wax play will get you punished.

Checking Master's head for the 666 symbol after a harsh punishment will only get you more of the same, or worse.

"I know you are but what am I?" is not the appropriate response when called a raunchy little whore during humiliation play.

Using the spreader bars, paddles or canes for the fireplace is not a good plan.

"Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me" is an unacceptable remark when Master's flogger slips.

When Master pulls out his bullwhip and says he wants to play, he doesn't mean hide-and-seek...he will find you eventually.

Calling Merry Maids when you are ordered to spruce the place up is not what your dominant had in mind.

"Faster, faster, we need a new Master" is NOT the song to sing during a session.

"Oh, and you think I am?" is an unacceptable response to hearing your dominant say he is not pleased.

During a play party is not the time to do your hilarious imitation of Igor and hunch over, moaning "Yes, Master" when ordered to fetch something.

Adding "Sir" or "Master" to "Fuck that plan!" will not save you.

Singing the chorus of "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" under your breath during a session is considered foolhardy.

Arguing whether "Master might not be right, but Master is never wrong" is Zen or Buddhist philosophy will only get you rewarded with kneeling in the corner on a bed of Legos "to help you consider the question in quiet contemplation."

Reciting nursery rhymes during an interrogation scene to crack your Owner up only lasts for so long. Then you will pay BIG.

Asking "Is that as HARD as you can hit??" is considered a cry for help amongst submissive suicide prevention workers.

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OMG These were too funny not to put it up! You can find it here....
http://www.the-iron-gate.com/essays/286

Lesson 7. Obediance I: First Steps Toward Mindfulness

Activity 1.
Meditate for at least a week. Observe, be aware, and still.

I'll get back to you each day i meditate.

Activity 2.
Set alarm for 11 minutes after each hour and check physical posture and restrain.

i know this will be extremely difficult for me. :) But very excited to see how well i do in a week.

Activity 3.
Try memory games for better observation skills.

http://www.buzzle.com/games/MetroMatch.asp

Training

So i was reading about being conscious of what i am always doing. posture, walking, writing. i really love this idea. i want to be the perfect slave. and i know i can be. and i know that Master would love it. Master is stern but he is also very leniant at the same time. i want to be punished when i am not doing as he asks of me or of what i'm trying to achieve. i have read that i when i write about him i never use My Master... only Master. and to always write 'i' lowercased. because it shows a constant awareness of what i am writing, thinking and saying. i am trying to keep this in mind and i'm doing pretty well with it. but i do catch myself messing up. i want to be punished if i do. like a paddling/flogging. each time i mess up i get a lash for it. but because i'm a masochist i don't think that would be too much of a punishment i suppose. Master is always creative. i'm sure he could think of something wonderful.

My lesson is to be mindful. And i would like Master to help me achieve this. :)

Puppy Bowl, Apartment and Maybe a Threesome

Master has gotten me a Puppy Bowl! Its so cute! I'm absolutely in love with it and VERY excited about when I can use it. Master is looking into getting an apartment with his friend. And if plans go as He would like... I will have a puppy bed and my bowl beside his bed. I can't wait to be able to use it.

He says i must earn a squeeky toy. Which is what would make the whole situation perfect. i want to knaw on my toy while he relaxes on his bed. i want to play fetch... and lap up water from my bowl. It would be SOOOO cute. i just don't know what would make me earn this. Master will most likely suprise me once i've proven myself.

I'm very happy Master will have an apartment but i have mixed feelings as well. i'm a little hurt, but not sure why i would be. we aren't together. in the past we did plan on getting an apartment together. and i feel content that he will finally move out and we will have the privacy at any time. i think it's just because i'm back with my dad. i need to just get an apartment. i feel weak and stuck at home. and i never like that feeling with anyone but Master. i don't like living with other people in general. they're messy and loud and sometimes rude. i really just need to invest in getting an apartment by myself.

Master has expressed an interest in a threesome with a women before we start having group sex or swaps. Which i'm actually really excited about. i can't wait to have these things. I talked to my friend about 'lending' his wife to us. He is really happy about it. he would like to watch. he wants us to double dom her. treat her like a real whore. but he is having problems with her right now and he talks about her being confused right now. so we might have vanilla-y sex. and she's not trully attracted to women. but i can probably play with her or Master while he has his way with her. I can't wait!

Hotel Room & Visitors

Master suprised me with a hotel room about a week ago. He planned on having me douche my ass, fuck me, have me squirt the cum out of my ass and drink it. He also planned on having a session with me. i was extremely excited about the whole thing.

When we got to the hotel, i set up the room with everything at Master's disposal. i began to douche my ass but I got a little sore of repeatedly putting the plastic in my ass. i think i need to invest in an actual bag. i don't know if it sounds wierd but i love douching my ass. i feel so clean and prepared for whatever Master would like me to do. and from what i get... its almost everything. :) which excites and thrills me. i feel so happy when he uses me. i feel like his dirty little whore!

we tried putting the anal toy in my ass but it really burned. i think i may be allergic to it. which really makes me sad. I love my tail. i want my tail in... but i am allergic to a lot of metals and it makes me wonder if its the same with the tail. the last anal toy we had also burned a little. maybe if i just use a condom with my toy i can put it in. i don't know if the toy is made of the same thing as condoms though. i guess Master will find out soon enough.

So i took a break and went downstairs for a cigarette. i met a group of people. And i'm unsure how we got talking about clit bells. but i was introducing them to a little about S/M. which really interested a few people. i also invited them up to the room. they asked if i could introduce them to Master. so i went upstairs and Master was happy to oblige. we went into the hot tub. and Master started talking about a little more of the "hardcore" things we do. which makes me sad. i was trying to set up a threesome or group sex because Master has shown interest in it. i believe we may have scared off the females. :(

Two men came upstairs with us. But Master didn't want one man to join in. They watched as Master preformed a light session for them. i was pleased to know that He was happy. One of the men left and the other man took pictures and played with himself while Master obliged me.

In the end the night was amazing. i wish he had allowed a threesome or even watched as i was treated like a whore. But all in all i was quite content. and excited about our next chance for something more.

New Clip on clips4sale.com/store/4083 CBT & Bondage

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"Clipped & Tied" CBT, Rope Bondage, Fingernails,(4 min.)

Now atop the spanking horse; Mistress Genevieve has the worthless ball busting boy who had left her disappointed in the last clip, inescapably bound and restrained with rope. She has him just like she wants him� vulnerable and exposed.

Helpless and hopeless , with no way to wiggle away from the cruel intentions of this sadistic Domme, she declares it open season on his balls and buttocks. At first her subby's suffering comes from the stinging lashes of her signal whip, but in no time her focus shifts back to those beet -red, tightly bound balls that had disappointed her so much ,only an hour or so before.

Mistress feels no mercy when her captive slave boy cries out in pain, when she goes on to torture his nuts, in numerous way. Slapping them, clawing them with her long red claw-like fingernails, clipping them in tight tooth-like tiny white clothes pins, it doesn't stop there. Mistress Genevieve makes sure, one way or another , those balls will get the working had been hoping for.

Mistress Genevieve

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A Tad Bit Stressed

i feel like my world is caving in. my head is spinning and i just want to curl up in a ball. i feel distraught... i hate not knowing what's going to happen in my life. I want to cry in Master's arms. or be able to tell him how much pain i'm going through. but i don't want to bother him. and i want to be strong. because that's what everyone tells me to do. but i don't know how strong i can be when i feel like a simple task is going to give me an anxiety attack, everything is piling up and i feel so stressed. and i don't want to drink to release that pain. but i don't know what else to do. i forgot how to just let it go and cry. i used to be able to cry all time! i just want to lay my head in my mom's lap and cry like i used to. she would brush my hair and i would just cry and cry. and it didn't matter. i didn't have to say anything. i just could just cry and cry. until i couldn't anymore. and it felt good.

I miss my mom. i miss my sister. i miss miguel. i miss scarlet. i miss my old dad. i miss being loved. i miss being missed. i miss what i used to be. i miss having a hold on my life. i miss not living with my dad. i miss being touched and knowing at that moment that person completely loves me. i miss being unforgettable. i miss my dogs. i miss my old house. i miss not feeling pain. i miss being able to forgive. i miss my innocence. i miss my happiness. i miss being untainted. i miss not being damaged. i miss being lovable. i miss being able to talk to men and not be scared that they will make a pass at me.

i don't want to be scared to get close to people. i don't want to push away the people that do love me. i don't want to run because i'm scared they'll leave first. i don't want to feel like everyone is out to backstab me. i don't want to be scared anymore. and i cry for this. i hurt. it's unimaginable... and i just want it to stop. i want to be happy again. i want to not worry...

Lesson 5. Assessing Risk: Relationships and Health

Rate your responses to the following statements.
1 means "never" and 10 means "always"

Relationships

I am most comfotable when in a monogamous relationship.
7

I enjoy feeling helpless or "out of control" sometimes.
8

I am attracted to members of my own gender.
9

I am uncomfortable if I don't know what my partner is thinking.
7-8

My family know about my interest in D/S and they're all right with it.
8

My friends know about my interests in D/S and they're supportive with it.
9-10

If my neighbors found out about my interest in D/S, it wouldn't bother them in the least.
n/a

My therapist is comfortable discussing my interest in D/S and seems to know something about consensual BDSM.
n/a

Health

Allergies? None.

Dietary restrictions? None.

Chronic Illness/injuries? Yes. Scoliosis, bad knees & ankles.

Eyeglasses/contacts? Glasses.

Recreational Drugs? Alcohol & tobacco

Struggling with addiction? Tobacco.

Body image issues? Stomach.

Clean/sober? How long? n/a

Recover from addiction other than alcohol or drugs? No.

Suffer abuse (physical, verbal, psychological, sexual, spritual) as a child? Yes

Suffered such abuse as adult? Yes.

How have learned to heal these wounds? It wasn't my fault. It was their choice and they took advantage of me. Still in the process of healing.

Can you indentify triggers? molestation issues and/or physically/psycologically cornering me.

Do you have any history of abusing others? How do you avoid this? when i feel like i'm cornered and scared i can lash out. I try to avoid aggressive confrontation.

Lesson 4. Responsibilities Of a Slave-In-Training

Complete the following sentences.
(A look into the unconscious mind/analyze answers)

I imagine myself as a slave being able to... have better control and reservation.

As a slave, I wouldn't be allowed to... dishonor Master

The idea that those things would be forbidden makes me feel... quite alright!

Just once in my life, I'd like to... be proud of something I've completed.

I definitely would not want to... share Master with another slave on a daily basis.

In my sexiest private fantasy, I... am raped by a stranger.

I have a secret fetish for... watching a simulated rape scene.

Being in a collar would make me feel... whole, complete, secure, wanted, owned, graceful, loved, obediant, special.

If I were forbidden to have an orgasm for a whole week, I'd... respectfully honor Master's wishes, but I'd be very frustrated in the process.

When I masterbate, i often think about... watching a threesome 2 of one sex, 1 of another (the dominant sex fluctuates)

I'd like to learn how to... portray better etiquette and reservation.

Serving my Master in public would make me feel... honored, proud, bubbly, blissful and content.

My most erotic memory is... when Master flogged me and teased me with his fingers. I was excited he would privalage me with sexual satisfaction in public.

I first learned about erotic slavehood when... i was 15. I became curious of dominance/toying with men.

My favorite book is... Anne Rice The Vampire Lestat.

My favorite movie is... 300.

In my free time, I most often... like to expand my knowledge.

The thing I find most attractive in other people is... intelligence and creativity.

My highest priority in life is... going to school and understanding & healing myself.

Sometimes I doubt I'll ever be able to... be completely healed.

I think most of my romantic involvements have been... testing the waters of what I really want in life.

In the past, I was ashamed of... being decieved and lied to.

I feel I've come to terms with... trusting to freely.

If there's one negative emotion I can't handle it's... distrust.

When a person raises their voice to me, I... am hurt, then defensive, then angry, then wounded.

The three things I associate with silence are... content, deep in thought, meditation.

If pressed, I'd identify myself as... unique, hard headed, too proud, constantly learning, sweet/forgiving to those i love.

The biggest influence on my erotic life has been... aries. They are creative, funny and dominant. But they also drive me crazy! They're too much like me when it comes to flaws.

I'd descrive my spiritual life as... fluctuating and evolving. I'm quite content and find many ways to achieve self-reflection.

I believe strongly that... humanity preys upon the innocent and different.

I'd fight for my right to... think on my own. I could not conform to society's ideals. I believe society is weak minded and undeserving of their inflated egos.

I've only ever wanted to... be loved for who i was and understood for who i am becoming.

Lesson 3. Assessing Strengths & Weaknesses

List five things you do well

1. giving oral to Master
2. being a puppy
3. taking punishment
4. keeping an intellectual conversation
5. keeping active during sex

List five things you don't know how to do,
but would like to learn

1. speaking spanish
2. sculpture
3. flogging well
4. keeping tail in for several hours
5. better mannerisms/etiquette

List five things you are embarrassed
about not being able to do well

1. being more obediant
2. taking anal sex easier
3. being more trusting
4. being more active in life
5. eating healthier

List five things you love to do but would
never admit to in public

1. not step on lines on the sidewalk
2. look at the clouds for mystical beings
3. looking into candle flame to watch the fae dance
4. make up songs in my head
5. listen to paegan music while mudding

Choose one of the items from the second
list and research how you might learn it.

1. better mannerisms/ettiquette

Lesson 2. What Kind of Slave am i?

Imagine you are a live-in slave, serving your ideal dominant.
What would your life be life?

1. At 6 a.m. I am suddenly awakened by...
A. Mistress' bell.

2. It's time to get dressed. I put on...
A. my uniform

3. It's a busy day, I spend the morning...
B. pleasuring Master

4. Time for lunch! I eat...
D. in a nice little cafe Mistress likes.

5. The best thing about being a slave is...
A. being close to Master

6. My strong point is...
B. my sex appeal

7. The hardest part of being a slave is...
B. getting my intellectual needs met.

8. After dinner...
D. we're off to the theater with the Billings-Joneses.

9. Time for bed. I must...
D. get some sleep after pleasuring Mistress. I've got to look my best.

10. I dream about...
C. a nice long bubble bath and an intimate dinner out with Master.

Mostly (a) answers - a good body servant. value intimacy with dominant above all else. aware of personal apperance. like personal attention from the dominant and proud of the trust s/he places in you. likes to serve at home.

Mostly (b) answers - a good sex slave. highly sexual person with considerable stamina. pride self in sexual technique. enjoys erotic side of slavehood. willing to to perform domestic service, especially if rewarded with privelage of pleasuring the dominant.

Mostly (d) answers - a good escort. attractive personality. excellent communication skills. enjoy meeting new people and serving in public. don't mind people think you're lovers, you two know the truth of your relationship.

Lesson 1. What is a slave?

twenty words, phrases, images, or associations
that come to mind when you hear "slave"

1. beauty
2. servitude
3. dedication
4. love
5. adoration
6. pain
7. pleasure
8. completion
9. understanding
10. politeness
11. grace
12. paddles
13. floggers
14. collar
15. puppy
16. alone
17. giving completely
18. sorrow
19. ignored
20. termination

Food For Thought

"Submission can actually engender power: realizing that you have something to give, and that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think S/He should want it, can inspire pride: not the false pride of an inflated ego, but the true pride that, like humility, comes from knowing the depths of your self." William Henkin

"The life of a female slave," he said, "is a life wholly given over to love. It is not a compromised life. It is not one of those lives which is part this, and part that. It is a total way of life, a total life. There are no bargains made with her, no arrangements." Mercenaries of Gor, page 435

"Beauty and intelligence are all well and good," I said, "but the best slave is she who loves most deeply." Magicians of Gor, page 204

'One of the pleasant things about owning a slave,' I said, 'is the opportunity to converse with her, to listen to her, to hear her express herself, her feelings and ideas. One can learn much from a slave. Many slaves, like yourself, are highly intelligent. They can express themselves articulately, clearly, trenchantly, and lyrically. It is a great pleasure to talk with them.' 'Then when one wishes,' I said, 'one puts them again on their knees.' Beasts of Gor, page 203

"We tend to think of the erotic as an easy, tantalizing sexual arousal. I speak of the erotic as the deepest life force, a force which moves us toward living in a fundamental way." Audre Lorde

"Listen, when I slap you, you'll take it and like it." The Maltese Falcon, Humphrey Bogart

"My Dom must be superior in his mind and heart; he must not be afraid of me even deep down where he thinks I cannot see." Submissive Sadie

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Sometimes when I act bad, I'm just begging for His Dominance. Sometimes i don't want to hear reasoning. Sometimes i don't want to feel anything but His Power over me. i sometimes buck up only to need Him to put me back in place. Is this crazy? Is this silly? Possibly. But i need to know He will reprimand me if i'm naughty. He will reward me when I'm obediant. And He is thinking of me often.

Stubborness

When does servitude end and being taken advantage of begin? i know My Master is not as bad as i may feel He is at the moment. But, He is either brutally truthful (to the point of being cruel) or He will create a web of lies/misinformation. My Master tells me it's a catch 22. But, i don't believe it is. i'm a woman. Sometimes He forgets this. i want him to be honest but not to the point that it's going to be hurtful. ie. You tell a woman that outfit isn't the most flattering on her and try this one out. Not you look fat in that. (this hasn't happened but its about being conscious of what you say)

He tells me that trust is the most important thing. He makes me feel guilty when i question Him. Which I know i should have complete faith in him. But, how can i when he acts so shifty. He doesn't give me the security i want. i want a lifetime partner and he can not give this to me. i don't want to put my all in and be thrown to the side. And that's what he expects me to be ok with. And i've tried to come to ammends with it. That he will leave me when he finds a new woman/love. i'm only his slave. But, i don't believe i can do that. And it hurts. It hurts to not be serving him. But it hurts to know i won't be good enough in the end. And i question my worth. i should be at his disposal but when does it become self-loathing?

i am just sad and confused. He wants to protect me and He wants to make things right, but i'm so upset that he would do these things that my first reaction is to pull away. i know this is wrong and i know i will be the one who suffers in the end. I feel hard headed and stubborn which clashes with his similar attributes.

And the dancing situations really upset me. i know i do stupid things out of anger. i feel like a child lashing out when He hurts me. i went out because i was upset He'd been going out and barely seeing me. i was really hurt by it. a lot of bad things happened. i'm trying to let these things go and He's enraged by it. i feel like the whole situation has just turned me to a destructive pattern. How am i supposed to fix these things? i don't even know anymore. But it's made me think how He's not really around...

Am i being too needy? i think i am. but this isn't something new to him. I want certain things that he doesn't seem interested in. i want him to tell me what to eat. how much to eat. what to do with my time. he doesn't do these things. but then he tells me i shouldn't hang out with a person that he doesn't like. but the whole situation has nothing to do with him. he didn't care his friend offended me. he said my opinion didn't matter. and he has replaced dancing with me to dancing with his friend. so how is it i don't get the same respect. he has avoided the whole situation about going dancing. and when i tell him i will dance with this person he is suddenly interested in taking me again. he's already damaged me.... he didn't want me around a day ago, so what's with this severe change?

i keep trying to walk away, but i feel heaviness in my heart. Sorrow blankets my essence and I just want the pain to end. i want to be at His bedside. i want to crawl for Him. i want to beg. i want to take my punishment. i want to make Him dinner and i want to service Him in any way He sees fit. But i am still a person. i want Him so bad to be My Master but i don't see how i will ever stay His Slave. And how can i put my all in when i know he will abandon me in the end.

i just don't know what to do anymore. i wish i could sleep forever. things are much simpler there. i can romp around and be His Puppy. He has the time to punish me.

Remorse..

It's remorse that I feel now, remorse for the way that I have behaved lately. The way that I have not obeyed my Master...he told me that as his slave, that he would own me completely, that I would be his posession, his toy to play with when he likes. His slave to serve him however he sees fit....

I feel that my actions of late have not portrayed me as a proper slave to him. I've been too pushy, too needy, too demanding...and this is not how a slave should be towards her Master. I'm so sorry that my actions have driven him to the point that he is questionning where I fit in his life or even if I do... Basically I got greedy, I enjoy his time with me so much that I started demanding more and more of him and didn't listen when he told me that I'm making him feel uncomfortable.

I hope it's not too late, I hope that even just this part of our relationship can be salvaged if nothing more right now. We've barely started training, I do not want it to stop now. Even if that's all that I have of him right now....

An Amazing Session!

My Master took me to my sub-zone last Sunday. I got on my knees, nuzzled, licked, did some tricks for Him. I was extremely content being His Puppy. We often don't get the privacy [or understanding] to play as often as we'd like, so this was a treat! I sat beside My Master and beamed with pride. I was very proud when he took me on a small walk around our personal area. I wish we had taken a longer walk but I do get scared of bruising my knees on a more extended walk.

When we were ready, I leaned over the couch and My Master attatched clothes pins to the back of my legs. He spanked and paddled me. He tapped the clothes pins making them pinch a little more. I had missed that feeling so much. The tingles began to flow through my body and I could feel myself go into my sub zone.

After My Master had amused himself, we took a break and had a drink. He cuddled and nuzzled me until I felt we could headed to a corner where he spanked and flogged me. He teased me with my vibrator and fingers. I wanted him so badly. I wanted to beg for it. Everything he did felt perfect, amazing and unbelievable. He instructed me to pull down my shirt and bra and he attatched clothespins and nipple clamps to my chest.

The whole night was amazing. I felt at peace and it made me love My Master so much more. He took me to another level and protected me when I need it. He broke me down and filled me up with pleasure. And afterward I was covered with my blanket. I was so proud of him. I was proud to be his pet and slave. I was just beaming with positive emotions. He reminds me daily of why I call him My Master.

Helpless...

Right now I'm feeling a little helpless...and all emotion. I'm feeling lost and angry and confused.... and scared. He's such an important part of my life and having him question where I fit in his life or whether I even should, is very hard. I hope that as he ponders our relationship that he comes to the conclusion that I do fit, that I belong right by his side.

He says that he is ready to move forward, well so am I, I have been ready. I've just been waiting for him to be ready. I don't want to feel this way, I hate feeling this way. Why do I feel so much? I wish I could be cold and emotionless.

I just want us to be happy and enjoy each other and what life has to offer us.

Why does he push me away? Why has he never opened up to see what he truly may or may not feel? How can he say that he doesn't have the intense emotional attachment to me when he's always held me at arms length so that he wouldn't get attached to me, so that I couldn't get to close to him. Why is he so willing to let someone else in give of himself to them, try with them, and not me? What does he have against me and the possibility of having a future with me?

I don't know what to do or what to say. I'm trying to stay strong, to perservere, to fight for what I believe in..for what I need, what I want-the man that I love, our relationship, our future. I try expressing my feelings to him but I guess I'm just not very good at expressing them properly...

He is my best friend, my lover, my love, my partner..my Master, he is my everything and all. All I want, all I've ever wanted is to love and be loved, to be taken care of by him. I have felt so proud to be able to say that I'm his slave. Now he says he's even unsure of that beautiful part of our relationship, after he made that committment to me, had me committ to him?

I may come across as strong, I'm really not..not at all. If I was strong, then I would have been able to stand up better for myself and not allow him to have treated me so cavalierly, so carelessly as at times he really has, so that he would really appreciate my . I would stand up better for us. I WANT to surrender myself, to be taken care of. To be cherished. To submit myself completely and wholly unto him. Maybe that's what the issue is, I have such faith in us, our relationship, what our future could be, that there's never been that chase for him. He says that I'm so sure, I am sure that we are meant. I believe in us and our relationship. I can visualize a future together, one that he directs....

Master...

Last week when he trained me, he said that the title he wishes for me to call him is Master..which he is. He is my Master and I love it, this title suits him very well. I enjoyed performing the tasks he had for me, I love to please him.

I so love having sex with him. The pleasure I feel from his hard, pierced cock thrusting inside me is so great. His lips on mine, tongues twisting together. His mouth on my pussy, his tongue tracing it, inside it. His fingers playing with me, such pleasure. I love every part of it. I love the attention he gives to my breasts. I love playing with his cock, with my hands with my tongue. I like to trace the head of it and around his piercings. I love the way it feels in my mouth, that I'm pleasuring him. But the biggest orgasm comes when I feel him orgasm.

This week he has been busy and I've been pushy, trying to get him to come to me. Because I just want him so much. I think that I've been too demanding lately and he's said that he is questioning where I fit in his life or even if I should. This is very devestating for me as I love this man, I love being with him. I love being his slave, his lover, his friend, everything...I know that he's been through a very hard time and I've helped him with that. I meet his desires and needs as much as he allows me too but for some reason he has always kept a part of himself closed off to me and I wish that he would open it. Everything that he wants is here! Everthing that he wants to feel is right here, he just has to open himself and see what his true feelings are. I'm worried that since I was by his side that he unconsciously/consciously relates me to that tragic time in his life because I was there. I hope not. I have stood by this man through everything, given him the freedom to explore himself, even with other woman, although it very nearly broke me to do so.

There is no other who would love him as much as I love him...and yes, I am selfish enough that now that he feels he's ready to move on with his life, I want him to move on with me. I'm the one that's been there and nursed him back to what he is now, I want to be the one that he finally fully opens his heart too..he already has mine. Why should another woman have what I've been waiting for? To experience and feel that love the he would bestow, that I've been waiting for him to bestow on me?

I enjoy being with him, but there has been times that have been really hard on me. Where I've compromised myself in ways that I swore I never would for him, lost part of myself to help him gain. How can he give of himself to someone else after all that I've been for him? It would completely crush me. I've given all of me, I have nothing left for anyone else. It really would destroy me.

I am the one for him. I've always felt it, that we are meant. I still feel that way. I believe in us, in him. I have faith that our relationship will not fail....

Puppy Ears & Paws

My Master took me to a craft store and I got some black faux fur. I've made some ears and fingerless gloves/paws. I'm very proud of them, but my sister has said they look more like cat ears. I tried modeling them after cosplay ears... and positioned them like inuyasha's.

I've talked to My Master about how I've been feeling so he has befriended a few Doms and has gotten a clearer understanding of what I need. He will be assigning a "secutiry" blanket for me. After our sessions he plans to wrap me up and hold me...

I hope to see another puppy to play with...

And it Begins...

It's been agony the last few days. He keeps telling me he's sorry and he wants to make things right... but this happens more than I'd like to admit lately. He's mean and selfish. He ignores how I feel. Or sometimes doesn't care. His wants are number one. And I'm left feeling pained. All I want is for someone to appreciate what I give to them. And it seems less and less when I'm around him. So why should I fight for someone who can't fight for me unless I'm walking out the door.

And yet, my heart aches. I feel like I can't breath and I just want to cry. But crying isn't going to alleviate any of my sorrow. He asked if I missed being His Puppy... of coarse I do. But I don't miss what I gave up for it. I didn't get respect.

The party, the girl, that was completely uncalled for. Your single. You have plenty of time acting like that. You don't have to throw it in your pet's face. Or am I not good enough to represent. Like always. And that's what saddens me. Am I just your dirty little secret? Because in the end no one is quite like me...

All I get is heart ache after heart ache. He's gotten comfortable and lazy with his duties. He says he takes pride in me but he can't tell the woman he's trying to fuck with his eyes. Thanks for making me feel worth it. I'm just there to entertain him when another woman isnt around. And one or two nice things can not erase the misuse.

So like a wounded puppy. I sit in the corner crying. And I don't know if I can trust him to get close enough. But all I want is for him to pet me, nurse me and love me. He doesn't realize just how dependent I am on his presence and affection. I feel like a lost puppy, wanting to follow him around. And I ache when he's not around. I feel sorrow until the next moment I can see him.

I feel like I'm brainwashed. He has so much control over me. And for the most part when things are good... it's amazing. My head's in the clouds. I vibrate with happiness. All I want to do is serve him. And his feelings and happiness are very important to me. So I ignore all these things... But how long can I do that before feeling unappreciated and used.

So I'm at a forked road. Is it really worth it? I will hurt without him. But will he just continue to hurt his pet. I just don't know if it's really worth it. I'm tired of coming home crying. Only to find he's gone out drinking, having a great time. Because my feelings don't matter enough to even consider.

Betrayed

So we went to a party of a mutual friend and on the way up there he tells me "You're the only person I'm sleeping with RIGHT NOW" making sure to emphasize right now. So we get in an argument about it, how He makes me feel worthless and like a temporary relief. He makes me feel horrible about myself. I may play as His Whore but I'm definantly not some hole He can use and throw away.

He's said before, we have our relationship but He will eventually find someone to be with. Mentioning maybe a swinger. I'm deeply hurt by this. What we had was special and He wants someone to barge in on it. Or just have me connect so deeply with Him... only to abandon me .... And He makes the excuse that He is not holding me back to find someone else. And if I chose a woman (which He wants me to do) ... why would she want a man to put anything in me or have him use my mouth or ass for his pleasure? And what man will want a woman who belong's to Her Master and refuses to let him watch unless being in a public event?

When we got to the party I introduce him as My Owner to a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. We talked about possibly doing some suspension on me and about the best positions for the hooks. I was really excited. I have been waiting for a chance to do this for 6 years. Then He walked me to the kitchen and see an old friend of His. He doesn't introduce me as His Slave. Just some girl he came with... She says hello to me and then they begin to flirt heavily with one another. But since he's single I'm suppose to be ok with this. They seduced each other with their eyes while I'm standing there forgotten. I looked in amazement that he could do that to me. So I walked away... no goodbye. No where are you going? NOTHING.

Then when I mentioned it on the car ride home He tries turning it around on me.... being petty and childish.

I told Him if we couldn't talk about it then it was through... it didn't matter then but now He's trying to talk to me about it today. Saying sorry for what He did. But He was correct when He said "I'm sorry" becomes meaningless when it's always said...

We'll have instense sessions and then He thinks one hug is going to do it. That I'm not going to feel broken and abandoned. No He's going to run off and get drunk... i don't have a problem with Him going out. I have a problem with Him breaking me down and leaving me to fend for myself. I feel hurt and betrayed.

Puppy Ears

My Master is taking me to a craft store tomorrow. I will be getting faux fur to make ears. I've looked at several different instructionals and decided to mix a fox or a wolf ear tutorial.... using hair clips...

The Late Great Marilyn Chambers

I am making this post to honor the memory of Legendary Porn Goddess, Marilyn Chambers.
I had the privilege of meeting getting to spend some time chatting with her at the Girls and Corpses party at Meltdown this last October.
I was quite flattered that she had sought out to make My acquaintance and conversation in a room of people. And now that she has passed I am even more thankful that she had. If she hadn't been so forward and social I might have just bounced about the party and totally missed the chance to have such a wonderful conversation with a woman who left quite an impression on the adult industry from the very first film. where even as a complete unknown, she was paid more than any other porn performer had ever earned before.
Her first porn, Behind the Green Door, not only made her an instant legend; it made history as being the very first hardcore adult film to be released to the mainstream. And it could be considered by some to also be the first kinky hardcore film as well, due to the movie's story line, in which Marilyn had been abducted, masked, and the feel of the film implied her character to be drugged as well; and forced into being a sex slave . In My experience, that is the ultimate fantasy of about 75-80 percent of the submissive males I've played with.
Some even believe this film was also the inspiration for Stanley Kubrick's last film, Eyes Wide Shut.
Honestly, it is only after her death that I am finding out most of that. I only knew of who she was, and what film she had become a legend in. I am quite amazed at some of the things I have just found out about her in the wake of her death... I suppose that she was saving it all for her autobiography that was about to hit the presses. (such as this fascinating mention of her political career., where in 2004 elections, she actually ran for Vice-President of the Personal Choice Party).
I already found her to be an amazing and fascinating woman from conversation we had and what I had known of her before, but she is turning out to have been far far more amazing and interesting that I could have ever imagined. Every time I read a site that I've found while googling her, each one seems to tell Me more than the one before.
Rest In Peace, Marilyn... Here's to your life and accomplishments! I'm so glad I had the chance to meet you.
Here are links to more about Marilyn Chambers, please check them out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_Chambers http://www.marilynchambersxxx.com/

Mistress Genevieve

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In The End

I've come to the conclusion that we're both just learning... it was innapropriate for what he did, but I am also at fault for my actions. There is no point in stopping something I value so deeply because of a misunderstanding. I also know in my heart My Master values my dedication just as much. We may make mistakes on the way, but I would rather make them with him than anyone else. No one could shine as bright as he...

We layed in the grass as I nuzzled into his chest. And yet again, there aren't words to describe the joy I had in my heart. He is my addiction. He is my happiness. I trully live to hear him call me "My Puppy!"

The BDSM Event

I went to the event. I got on all fours and played with My Master. It felt good to just be His Puppy in public without worrying... Then My Master instructed me to get latexed. He saran wrapped me to a chair. But once he finished my beating ... I couldn't stop crying. My Master tried reassuring me but I was just so overwhelmed with sorrow. I watched a few people get beat but needed to use the restroom.

When I came back from the bathroom I couldn't find My Master. I searched around (but didn't have my glasses on) and began sobbing. I felt abandoned and lost. I stood in the corner and couldn't stop crying. When I found him I felt betrayed. I still feel heartbroken. He and a friend of mine went to sit at a table. But this event was filled with people... I didn't have my phone, my glasses, or my clothes. I felt open... and powerless. I stepped out of line and yelled "Where were you? I was looking for you!" And he said something extremely innapropriate to a man that was helping me find them (something very personal). My mouth dropped and I couldn't believe he had said it. He's appologized and tried to talk to me but I still feel pretty damaged by the situation.

I don't know if I'm over reacting or justified. He broke my trust and both of us are still learning... but to break our confidentiality. I just feel really alone and broken...

Inconspicuous

in·con·spic·u·ous

–adjective

not conspicuous, noticeable, or prominent.

My Master decided to take my on a walk in the park yesterday night. We walked along an semi-empty field and tried to find a private spot for some puppy training. We eventually found an area behind a large bushlike plant which easily hid us. I got on my hands and knees and My Master taught me "sit" and "stand up". He really is amazing. I beamed with pride to see him dominate my very essence. I hungrily followed each gesture and command. His words were complete ectasy to my ears.

We have decided I'm most like a boxer. Which really makes me happy. I adore boxers. They are loyal and fearless. Boxers are precise in their actions to strangers and yet to their owners ....they are goofy and clumsy... and extremely loving. It just seems so right for me.

My Master asked me to "sit up" and box him. I couldn't help but giggle as a swatted away his play shots. I know I have to incorporate more puppy actions... and I am consciously trying. It is hard when I'm so overwhelmed with happiness but I will try harder...

Tomorrow I'm going to the fetish event. I'm completly ecstatic... My Master hopes to punish a submissive with me on a leash beside him (barking for encouragement).

geile live latexlady

sucht ebenso gleich gesinnte. Auf den fetischcams tummeln sich die ein oder andere geile Fetischmaus und daher solltest du dir das nicht entgehen lassen

Txt Roleplaying

My Master and I have been roleplaying thru txt for the last few days. I have thoroughly enjoyed every reply I get... it makes me quite blissful. The playful banter makes me feel more like His Puppy every day. I never thought I would even consider doing this for so much of my time ... but it has made me feel so beautiful. To even just prance around with my tail in would create emotion I could never write down in words.

I have decided to try and hold my tail in on Wednesday for an hour or two. This will be a little hard to hide but I find it kind of thrilling. I'm a little sad My Master won't be there to enjoy me. But, I know he will be pleased to know I'm preparing for him.

Fetish Event

We're having a fetish event here next week. And although, I know I don't have enough experience in anal toys... I really want to have it in for the event. I know this would please My Master to be in a dress with my tail flowing. I'm just so proud of it. I just don't know how long i could keep it in...

When My Master put in the tail I had no problem holding it in when I stood up. It was when he asked if I could hold it that it came out. I don't know if I just need better control or if I should look into a harness of some kind. But nothing would make me happier than to show it off.

If I happen to get it in for the fetish event I'm sure My Master wouldn't mind taking some pictures. He loves to show me off when I'm being a good puppy.

Butt Plug Play

Over the course of my BDSM education, I have from time to time experimented with butt plugs. I often like to wear one while playing with my partner because the pressure it exerts on my prostate gland make orgasms more intense. But I also like to use them to test my boundaries and, when the fancy takes me, simply because they can be enjoyable to wear.

I first wore one so that I would in theory be better equipped to enjoy anal sex. But I soon found that butt plugs had many other sensory uses. Aside from the obvious pleasure to be derived from the feeling when ones sphincter closes around the base on insertion, there are many other sensations to be experienced depending on the size, shape, length, and material of which the plug is made.

To be added to these elements is the issue of ones own body and how it moves while wearing a plug. In my experience the ideal environment for wearing a plug while moving around is to do the housework or some other activity when naked or at least unrestricted by clothing between the thighs and the waist. I find this to be an erotic experience and not at all uncomfortable, since my body dictates the movement of the plug inside me. As a bonus, the slight rubbing of the plug against my prostate serves to increase the erotic sensation.

A bigger challenge is to wear clothes, especially outdoors. The restrictive nature of clothing limits the body’s ability to dictate the movement of the plug. Depending on the sort of clothes worn, their tightness or otherwise, and the size and length of the plug one is wearing, the sensations to be experienced can range from pleasure, through mild discomfort, to considerable pain.

There is of course the added element of risk of exposure, or at least the feeling of paranoia experienced by the wearer who can never be entirely sure that those around him or her are completely unaware of the activity being undertaken. So there are many ways to enjoy, or endure, playing with these wonderful anal toys. And yet for all my experiences with them, I feel there is still much I need to learn.

One of my biggest faults is impatience. Not so much with other people or events, but in my desire to experience too much too soon. So it has often been with the various experiments I have carried out on myself over the years. There have been far too many occasions when I have been in the middle of one activity only to allow that experiment to lapse before its conclusion because I have been distracted by a new idea. This is most certainly the case with butt plug play.

I have never truly found my anal limits. I have before now managed to wear a large butt plug for four hours but I feel I have the ability to do much more. I have tried self fisting but have only managed to insert my hand up to my second set of knuckles. Despite trying to learn from the techniques demonstrated by those who have posted their self fisting videos online my arms just won’t stretch far enough for me to insert my whole hand.

I have also found difficulty in comfortably accepting a full thrusting length of a large cock. If the thrusting is slow and gentle there is but a negligible discomfort. But some months ago I was playing with three guys, one of whom was about 8 inches in length. While taking the other two men was no problem, I found that when the guy with the bigger cock thrust into me hard and deep I experienced an intense pain in my stomach. Suffice to say, I was most disappointed that I was unable to accept him in the way that I wanted to.

So over the last week I have started to wear a plug again. Finding the time has proved to be a little difficult. Between work and children the opportunities have been scarce. In my old job I was able to wear a plug without any real concern because I was never far from a public convenience where I could re-lube or, if wearing the plug was becoming too uncomfortable, to remove it. In my present job I am often in the position of being away from the office. So regular lubrication is out of the question, and any “emergencies” leave me no escape route.

If I’m at home I can wear a plug while the children are at school. And although it’s extremely unlikely that they’d notice anything if I were to wear one while they’re home, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable sitting down to dinner with the children present while I’m wearing a plug in my ass! To add to these restrictions on time and opportunity, today they break up for the Easter holidays which means that for the next two weeks I won’t be getting much practise in butt plug endurance.

Nevertheless, I intend to persevere and hope to graduate from wearing a medium plug to a large plug within the next month. And after that, who knows? I’ve not tried an extra large plug yet so I feel that this would be a realistic medium term target.

In the mean time I shall find what time I can to build up my endurance with the medium plug I am wearing as I write, and which has been inside me (aside from re-lubricating and re-inserting) for almost four hours of the six I intend to clock up today.

I will hopefully find the time to write more over the Easter period, but that will depend entirely on family commitments over the next two weeks. So in case I am unable to find the time to post I’d like to wish anyone who happens to stumble upon my ramblings a very happy Easter.

My Master

It took many years for me to find the right Master. I could not be overpowered with sheer strength and I didn't need a screaming voice to intimidate me. In the past, if anyone tried to control me or my actions I would flee. I did not want to give that person the core of who I was. I wanted a person to stimulate my mind and move my soul. I took my time. Something I am usually not accustomed to doing. This was in a sense, my virginity...

I have found that and much more in My Master. In our sessions I feel whole. I feel at peace. I feel everything is as it should be. And for once in my life ... I feel secure. I am a new person each time. A little better than before.

And although, I may be a fiesty at times, I live to see his smile. He warms my soul and when I look in his eyes (if he allows) ... I am in pure bliss. I can not help but smile. I have more than adoration for My Master. I have an obsession for his lead.

I can not do anything without having his ok. I can not make a choice without him telling me what he'd like me to do. I feel utterly useless without his direction. It's as if a part of me is crippled.

I crave the nuzzling of our faces. I crave my nips on his arms. I miss "shaking it" for him. I miss his scent. I miss being on my knees and knowing his smile is beaming down at me. I miss pleasing My Master. I miss pleasuring My Master. I am completely addicted to it.

And when he is not around. I am surrounded by sorrow. I feel I can not eat. When I do eat, I am nauseated. I know I should be happy that I'm pleasing him... But I can not help but feel misery. I crave his attention. Any attention. I crave his favor.

I just want to please...

Awakening

I suppose if I’m to do this properly and produce anything that is in any way readable I should begin by recounting my early experiences. There are those that keep a journal of their life and some who have done so since a tender age. It is at these moments I regret not being a diarist. Through a combination of laziness and the fact that the advent of the internet never occurred to me, I am left to rely on an increasingly inefficient memory as my only source of information. Not that I could have put some of the events that spring to mind on paper anyway. At least not without the risk of discovery and the resulting fallout that would have been sure to follow the disclosure of episodes of teenage lust, not to mention having to explain a propensity for what would have been considered at best, ‘strange habits’ and otherwise lurid behaviour.

I was very fortunate that my sexually formative years were spent partly in the company of teenage girls on our council estate who were as inquisitive as I was. Having the good fortune to know two girls who had no siblings and who’s parents would spend evenings out to dinner meant that I experienced a good deal more than I would deem appropriate for my teenage girls. (Oh, how differently we look at the world when we’re parents.)

My introduction to BDSM began with a liaison I had with a girl we’ll call Kelly. Her parents owned the pub almost opposite our house. (Actually it wasn’t a house but a maisonette, but we always called it our house.) While romping around in a secluded spot after her horse riding lesson she unexpectedly smacked me on the ass with her horse whip. At the time I was so angry I wanted to punch her in the mouth. But being a gentleman I registered my objections vocally and stomped off home. It was only a few minutes later when I began to appreciate the warm glow emanating from my cheeks that I realised I had in fact enjoyed the experience, and that my objections lay more with age old male dominance conditioning that those of my generation will be familiar with, than any pain or humiliation I may have felt at the time.

The experience got me thinking. What else would I like to be spanked with? Or more to the point, what other pain might I enjoy? Living in a crowded environment meant that any activity involving noise was entirely out of the question. So I gave the problem due thought and began to experiment with mild cutting. With a mirror borrowed from the bathroom, a needle from my mum’s sewing box and a knife from the garden shed, the latter pair ‘sterilised’ in Dettol, I drew pretty patterns on my ass behind a locked bedroom door. The adrenalin rush was incredible. I had no understanding of why I felt compelled to abuse myself in such a manner. But days later, when my ass was sore and I had to go to great lengths to hide the lines I’d carved while in the changing rooms at school, I never ceased to be glad I’d done it.

Therein began my journey of sensory exploration.

BDSM Quotes

"The slave escapes her bonds to find a stronger set of chains." - Anonymous

"Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability...nothing deepens intimacy like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed, with our skins off, scared and vulnerable, and our partner is there with us, willing to share in the scary stuff" - From The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt

"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater." - Nicholas Evans, The Horse Whisperer

"The eye of the master will do more work than both his hands." - Benjamin Franklin

"It's the submissives that show to others what type of Dom owns them." - Anonymous

"If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel." - Mysterious Ways- U2

"And painful pleasure turns to pleasing pain." - Edmund Spenser, "The Faerie Queene"

"The very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly to Your service; there resides, To make me slave to it; and for Your sake..." - William Shakespeare

"no woman truly knows what she is, until she has worn a collar." -Unknown

"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him." -Lee in Secretary (2002)

"Masochism is a valuable job skill". -- Chuck Palahniuk

My New Tail

My Master came to visit me today. He layed on the bed as I nuzzled, nibbled and pawed him. I've missed him so much. He's always so busy and it saddens me. But, when he does come around it really is a treat.

He bought me a tail a few days ago, which really excites me. It took a few times trying to put it in but once I got it, I was so proud to see My Master pleased.

He tells me to start practicing putting it in. But I'm kind of scared I can't do it myself. The position of the anal toy seems a bit akward while on my back. He had to put it in me on my knees. But hopefully after some practice I can get it in myself.

I was looking around to see if only kittens have ears. I would really like some. I couldn't find any pictures of puppies with ears to work off of though. I think I might do some research on different kind of dog ears, so I know which would look best for My Master. Plus making a pair would make him smile....

Mistress Genevieve performing this Sunday at the El Cid Theater

Come see Me perform this weekend, Sunday April 5th 9p.m., for an evening of comedy, burlesque, live music and film with Mistress Genevieve , Madame Sunset , Marie Lake , Sissy Debut , Patricia Patina, Gabriella Francis at the premier of "Arm Candy " the famous El Cid Theater , 4212 Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles 90029.

Here is the official press info:

Now check out Arm Candy -- the short film -- at www.createspace.com/259785 Arm Candy is a burlesque show with a twist, starring some of the funniest, sexiest female performers in L.A. talking about what else, dating and relationships. Arm Candy's headliner, Marie Lake, is a burlesque performer with sexy pop songs as well as original parody songs. Her solo show, "Rich Men -- Poor Dates" appears monthly at IOWest in Hollywood. Got any bad date, Arm Candy stories? Send it to our blog or comment us. You may be in our upcoming book.

Door= $15...

Please check out the Official MySpace profile for Arm Candy at: http://www.myspace.com/armcandyla
And for more information on the El Cid Theater and their other upcoming events please visit their site at http://elcidla.com

SINcerely,
Mistress Genevieve

Visit My Main Site: http://www.msgenevieve.com
Distance Training via Phone & Cam: http://www.niteflirt.com/MistressGenevieve
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Arriving to the mansion

Miheia controls the blindfold and make certain Dmitrii can not see anything and then she roars of again down the route for what looks like an old age till at last the machine slows down to a block on what sounds like loose gravel, Miheia honks the automobile horn and pronounces, hold back I will come round and bring you out of the auto, your however not permitted to see anything till everything's in situ and your set". Dmitrii not willing to corrupt Miheia's play does as he is told, only as he leaves the automobile he experiences 2 secure arms snap hold of him on either side and as he is directed through the gravel of what must be some kind of courtyard, he is incertain how a lot of footsteps he can hear.

Miheia goes up a big residence and as she comes near the huge doors open and she passes into an tremendous marble hall and is recognised by a afro-american man who must stand a lowest 7 feet tall, "My darling you must be Miheia you're everything and more we were awaiting and this must be your husband Dmitrii" as the afro-american man looks across to Dmitrii who's being directed into the hall by 2 huge afro-american men, one on either side yet wearing his blindfold. "Are you certain my honey that you are set up for this and do you believe Dmitrii is set for this", Miheia responds "I must concede that I'm not certain if this is for us, but I would like to test it and then make a conclusion as to weather we unite or ne'er get to you once more, but at least for this night we're here, and here to discover everything that you have to propose". "Well my name is Blackzilla and I will be taking care after you both this night, are you set to make a kickoff?" Miheia checks over Blackzilla's black eyes and questions what she has get herself in for, the illumination shines off Blackzillas black baldhead and she replies, "yeah lets do it".

Explaining the rules

"All right by love, now will you please accompany myself while my companions will have Dmitrii prepare, and Dmitrii please do not feel so disturbed you ne'er recognise you barely could love what we have got for you". Dmitrii's more than a bit worried, not just is he blindfold but his hands are being kept so tightly he's barely capable to move, he's guided away from Miheia as he could listen her speaking to the man that greeted them just her sound was getting further and further aside and then quiet as a door bangs behind him so loudly that it makes him jump.

Miheia is guided to a huge room which appears a bit like a dinning room for emperors and queens, it has a big oak tree table and to the face of this is a great roaring open fire, the flares are really tall and the room looks really tender believing its strong cube surrounds like the at heart of a palace. "So my honey Miheia, do you acknowledge what you have let yourself in for, you do realize what our fraternity awaits from its followers and do you consider you're prepare for this and does your pathetic husband have any estimate of what he is nearly to discover". " We stimulate simply 1 principle here and that is there are no regulations, nothing is taboo and you, if you unite, can do anything to our adopting or get anything made to you and you or they must follow, we got just 1 formula of quitting and that's if you cry out 1 simple parole, if you do this all will block and you'll be escorted of this home, but you are able to ne'er go back, the parole is decent its that simple, if you have had plenty we'll leave you alone and anybody that does not will be most raspingly penalised as only you will recognize when you've had plenty. And so my most beautiful Miheia are you prepare to be our hard worker for the nighttime and allow that miserable husband of your keep an eye on as we claim you".

Miheia hesitates for a minute and once again looks into Blackzillas black eyes and says "I suppose so at least I'm attending dedicate it my finest shot, only please be softly with myself", "My darling angelic Miheia we are ne'er soft its not in our nature, you'll be utilized and perverted by us altogether and you will sense disgraced and embarrassed, only you will as well be fulfilled on the far side anything you've ever go through so now is the time to cry this cancelled if you've any reservations at all, we demand very much from our fraternity, but the pays backs are exquisite".

I was wrong...

I feel badly about something this morning, I annoyed and irritated him and I didn't mean too.

I totally understand why he was irritated with me. I would be too if I were him. He was absolutely right about the way that I behaved and I am sorry for it.

I do so love the time we spend together and I guess I tend to get a bit greedy sometimes. After all, he just left this morning....

He's going to a concert tonight with the guys and I was kind of hoping that if one of them was unable to go, that he would like me too. But I've blown that now...I now that I don't deserve to go after the way that I behaved this morning...

So I will have to be patient and just wish him an awesome time tonight..

Room service

Big or small, posh or cheap, we�ve seen them all! My Dad and I have been to different hotels. And our main targets are the tight-assed maids to fuck with! We�re back on the sex tour! Ever heard a slut moan and groan as you push your dick deeper into her ass? It�s nothing compared to how hotel maids react! They just love cock! My Dad and I have ass-fucked a lot of hotel maids! We spend all our time searching for another hottie! Tired? A bit! But that just adds more fire to our blood! Feel like joining us on our next tour? Hotel maids can�t help being horny for a nice hard cock down their juicy asses! So give it to them right now! Hotels have turned into real whorehouses, with my Dad and me fucking maids in their tight asses 24/7! We�ve seen it all and we can tell you! You�ll love fucking hotel maids in their sweet little asses just like we enjoyed it! My Dad has just got off a hotel maid and says fucking her ass was incredibly hot! I know, I saw it all as I was shooting them on camera! My Dad says younger hotel maids are brilliant fuckers, because their asses feel so nice. I say mature babes are better to ass-fuck, because they�re more experienced! Join us in our sex tour and find out who you like best! We�ve fucked their asses! Hard. They�re begging for another go! That�s how nasty hotel maids are! Hotel maids love attention! They�re ready to do anything when they see they�re being shot on camera! Even get their asses banged the hard way!

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I was once on the site, but didn't care for it much, as I was afraid that any second they would say no pervy stuff. LOL. Somehow, I don't think that will happen here.

Stockholm syndrome

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Another day in paradise. Been thinking about that wooden box all day. The imaginary one, disguised as a livingroom table, or even being trapped under the floor while the sadistic boyfriend entertains friends. Maybe be probed by various toys, or tens units.. And having him use it on me from time to time, all I can do is whince and cry silently behind a gag and hood...

Helpless, used, scared.

To then finally be let out only to be used and beaten and then shoved back in the box. Like a toy.

After a few days or weeks, time has no meaning. Then he'd be all sweet and nice. Create a stockholm syndrome. Totally hot thought...

But then again, I'm just perverted. And sick. And horny.

Lazy Sunday

My first post.

I love my firsts. All of them. If I could have a first every day I would get bored. But every week would be lovely.

I am still waiting for the first where mum or dad catches me masturbating.

I love to just leisurely touch myself, every time taking longer, hoping that they walk past my door. Sometimes I find myself masturbating as I listen to them being busy in the bedroom. Its sick and perverted and still I cant help myself. I just like to listen.

Today I had a very lazy day, lying in bed watching my series all day. Getting more and more aroused from the stuff I was watching, touching myself. Climaxing. Smelling my fingers all day, so delicious a smell.

______________________________________________________________________
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Feelings..

I have done alot of thinking about my conversation with him and I feel like an idiot. Why am I so self-destructive? Who am I to tell anyone to do or feel anything? That's up to that person and me pushing and pressuring is not good. I don't think that I would like it if that was being done to me.

Yes, I can state how I feel, but I should have just left it at that. Now, I've made him feel badly and perhaps even uncomfortable.

I would like to apologize and just be happy with what he is able to give me. I will cherish our relationship and stop being such an idiot. I am very happy that he asked me to be his slave, I had been hoping and waiting for it...so hopefully he will accept my apology and continue to train me when he sees fit too....

His Pain....

Absolutely, I absolutely hate it! I hate when he is in pain or unwell. I hate that he suffers needlessley, for what?

Sometimes I just want to scream at him, Open your eyes! I am RIGHT HERE! I've been right here, right in front of his face all along, all this time..you are sufferring for nothing. Everything that he is looking for, all the love, is within me..for you alone. The love that I am looking for is within him, but for him to be able to fully love me, to have the intensity that he wants to feel..he has to let go of the past and embrace our relationship and trust in me fully.

I am here, I love him, I want him. I am very much so into him, all his quirks, his pattern of thinking, his smell....

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Boy do I ever feel like an ass..

I feel so mean...here I was bitching and moaning about stupid selfish things while my baby isn't well! I feel so horrible that I was rude to him. I wish I was with him now attending to whatever he needs/wants and helping him get better quicker, but as he wishes for me to wait until he is feeling better, I will do as I'm told and wait for him...

I hope he gets better soon....

Choices...

Well we went to Jamaica and had a wonderful time there together. I absolutely loved spending all that time together and being with just each other. I loved how he couldn't keep his hands off me and I couldn't keep mine off him. Being with each other there together just felt so right. I felt so proud an happy to wear his collar the entire time and for everyone to know that I belonged to him.

When we came back it seemed like things were still going good..we were spending time together and enjoying the time spent...he even told me that he hadn't been with anyone else but me and that made me feel good. I thought things were going to be good again.. I knew that we weren't going to be making Valentine's a big deal but I still wanted to do something, it's important to me. He took me out for some wine which was really nice, I have to admit that I was kind of hurt that he didn't even get me a rose or anything when I did something for me..it makes me feel like he thinks that I'm not worth the effort, especially after him telling me how creative he has been-why not with me? I have to admit that I had higher expectations of what I was being suprised with. When he tells me stories of these things that he's done for other woman it makes me feel bad because when I even suggest that he might do the same or something similiar for me, he reacts like I'm out of my mind.

Also, something seemed to change mid-last week, he seems to have distanced himself from me somewhat. He's been kind of short with me when we've spoken, especially when I'm trying to suggest things that he may enjoy us doing together.

When I was giving him head the other night, I was putting alot of effort into it and he's was enjoying that effort. Then he actually asked me if I had been practising with someone else, what a thing to say. I was insulted by him saying that. He knows that he's the only one that I've been with since we met, he has made it clear that I am not to be with anyone else, what does he think I am?

Now he's starting the not answering when I call again and not calling me back. This makes me feel so insignificant and makes me feel that he doesn't think very highly of me if he can't even show me that respect. It's very impolite. He still hasn't called... He knows that I hate it when he acts like this towards me. He can be so wonderful and yet he can also be quite mean. I hate feeling like this.

He hasn't even had me wear his collar since we've come back...

I miss him, I miss the way that he was with me in Jamaica, the way that he was with me in the beginning...

just signed up so making a test post

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