January 14, 2010 - Journey..

I had always been curious about the BDSM world, always turned on a little by dominant men and intrigued by the dynamics of d/s relationships.  I had never shared that with anyone, much less someone that I was with.

I came across this man, who turned out to be interested in the same thing on a vanilla dating website.  I was drawn to him in many ways and he wasn't even my usual type at all, but I found him to be quite intriguing.  The more that I uncovered the more I wanted to know.  We connected..

He drew me in with his talk of what he wanted in a slave, the things that I began to yearn for.   Also, the more he taught me about what a d/s relationship between us would be, the more I wanted to know and especially to experience with him.  It was so natural for me to be submissive to this man, we just fit each other.  When we met, we had a very magical, passionate night and were together since.  We would spend weekends with each other and very much looked forward to being with each other. We would chat almost every night and I looked forward to those chats.  I loved getting to know this man.  I loved hearing about his day, about his projects..his thoughts and feelings.  We always had interesting conversations.  He stimulated me...

We matched each other quite well and our relationship felt good.  He made me feel special, beautiful, important and intelligent.  With him, I overcame some of my fears and insecurities.  He didn't belittle me for them.

But then things had happened that I was unaware of and unprepared for, I didn't know to handle his pain..I just wanted to help him and move forward with our relationship and he just wouldn't give it a chance to see what he would feel if he let me in .  He would not open his himself to me and would do things that didn't even do anything for him, in order to push me away.  Everything that he wants is in me, I am the reality and he is not prepared to be able to handle that.  I wish that he was because I love him so.

I gave and gave and he took, I wanted to give more but he held me back to a point.  I'm not sure when/why he stopped cherishing me and appreciating me, when he started taking my love and loyalty, my submissive self for granted. 

I've never done anything to deserve any of this, to deserve his cavalier attitude towards me and everything that I have to offer, my heart.  His constant rejection has left me feeling unattractive and that maybe I'm just not worth giving a chance too.  That letting himself go and being in love with me, would be the worst thing ever.

I feel sad and numb, I cry alot..I am in so much pain.  I pretend to others that I am okay and smile but I'm not.

I am stupidly in love with him.  I think about him being with someone else and opening himself to someone else, giving them the chance to really be with him when he never did those things for me.  That I put the effort, the time and my heart into him and our relationship for him just to go and offer someone else the relationship that he scorns at having with me.  Someone that hasn't done anything to even deserve or earn his love, whereas I have.

He is right, our relationship cannot change unless he wants it too.  We cannot return to what we were because relationships need to evolve and grow or they will stagnate and die.  Ours did evolve and grow but not in the way we both wanted because he decided before even giving it a chance to see what would be, that I did not fall into what his picture of his future was because I have children, so he decided that he would not be falling in love with me, regardless of the fact that I do meet his needs and wants, that I do provide him with everything that he is looking for.  That I am his match and that he is mine, in every way.  Well what did he expect was going to happen then?

I am angry with him for this, for depriving both of us of the true relationship that we could have been having already.  The happiness and fullfillment that we would both feel with each other, the love.. 

We need to either have a fresh start with our relationship with both of us going in with open hearts and minds, or move forward onto the next step of our relationship together, again with both of us having open hearts with each other, being fully comitted to each other in every way.  For him to not only fully acknowledge to others that I am indeed his love, but also to acknowledge that to himself.

He said that he cannot do this anymore, that's fine, I can't do that anymore either..I refuse to go back to that.  I want to be with him, but fully be with him..to have a loving, fullfilling, comitted relationship with each other.

When we talked and he invited me over the other night, I thought that I might have finally gotten through to him and reached him.  Then when I came there, I felt nervous  like I did the night we were going to meet.  I didn't mean to come across as cold when I walked in the door, I should have just given into instinct and dropped my stuff and just thrown my arms around him and kissed him the way that I wanted too...I was just nervous and I was afraid that I would muddle it up...

I am glad that he said that he didn't regret asking me to stay with him, playing with me that night or us having sex the next morning.  I am glad that I kept my eyes open as he asked me too, that I did make that effort to let him see inside me and that he said he did feel more with me.  It was the first time I had done that in our entire relationship and I cried after, I really bared myself to him more then I ever had and I was just overcome with emotions...