January 5, 2010 - The way that I feel..

I've hated being without him, a big piece is missing,  but am no longer willing to settle for less then what I deserve and want.  I refuse to mollycoddle him anymore,  It's time for him to step up and show me that he is worthy of my love.  For me to be his slave, his partner, everything that I bring and do for him. 

He kept me there with the promise of our Master/Slave relationship really coming to fruition and our relationship maybe having a future, was he just leading me on?

Because if he ever did have any intention of actually seeing where we could be he wouldn't have kept me at a distance, he would have gotten off the dating websites, he would have brought me around as his girlfriend, he would have cherished and appreciated me and what came with me.  He would have done those couple things with me, that he did with others.  Listening to him telling me about the things that he did with others, for others used to make me feel so bad, especially when he scoffed at any mention of doing those things for me.  What an utter fool I have been..

People kept telling me that he was just using me, that he would not love me, that he wasn't the man that I thought he was.  But my heart and my instincts said otherwise, so I followed them..

This makes me feel so bad about myself, am I really that unworthy of being loved?  Why do people take advantage of me, use me when they need me, hurt my heart.

He never did give our relationship a chance, never let it really get off the ground.  He decided that I didn't fit his picture of what he wanted for his future so I guess he felt there was no point in even seeing where it could go.  Kept me at arms length, kept me away from friends and family, shunned me as if I wasn't good enough.  You wasted so much time, we could be very happy, could have been already very happy and enjoying life together.

All I did was love and understand him, stood by him and did everything that he allowed me too meet his wants and needs in every way.  To please him..

He says that he has A, B, & C with me, but not D...not the emotional intense love that he wants to feel for someone.  Well what did he expect when he continuously rejected it?  When kept pushing it away?  Because he is afraid..

I just feel so hurt and lost.  I trusted, I opened myself to him, gave him my heart.  I am so dissappointed. 

I loved him and took very good care of him, I compromised alot for him and our relationship.  There was alot of effort put in.  I think about him, the way that he would touch wherever and whenever he pleased, how much I enjoyed him doing those things to me.  The things we would do together, sexually and otherwise.  I absolutely, honestly loved it and him. 

He says that I am so sure and that he wishes he could be, well guess what?  Life isn't sure, love isn't sure...I am confident in how I feel for him and that I believe that we are great for each other and would have a great life together but there is alot that I am unsure about, that I am afraid about too. 

I completely entrusted myself with him, I invested in him in every way....  My Master, my love, my lover, my best friend....he understood me in ways that no one else has, he got me, in tune with how and what I am feeling and I for him.  I miss him so much.

 Except when he was doing the pushing away, he did make me feel special, made me feel good about myself..even when I was feeling insecure.  That I mattered...

I know that I do deserve and need to be loved, cherished, respected and appreciated by the man that I love as I do for him...

I bared my soul to him and told him that I need him and love him.  I meant it, I hope that he saw that in my eyes when he was inside me...God help me..