December 31, 2009 - Sad de Moi

Woke up this morning crying, just feel so down, still crying.  Felt so down and depressed yesterday as well and the day before and the day before.  I was happy that he contacted me, he misses me and I miss him too. 

Can't shake it, tired of just going through the motions day after day, pretending that my world hasn't crashed and that I am the happy, cheerful girl that I am when we are together.  I had thought that maybe I had finally gotten through to him, maybe I have, but he is not ready to do anything about it..won't let go of his safety net that he keeps around him to let me in, this breaks my heart.   I totally and completely opened myself to him yesterday and let him look into my soul.  I wish that he would let go of his fears and inhibilitions, that he would trust in me, in us and have some faith.

But I shouldn't have kept pushing like I did, I just hate that he is wasting his chance wtih me, at true happiness and love.  I'm sorry....

I am glad that we spent the night together, I've missed him so.  He is worried that doing so may have made things worse, but it hasn't.  That doing so is giving me the wrong message about moving on with my life and he is wrong.  I am and have been moving on with or without him-but I still love him very much and need him just as much, time apart hasn't changed that.  It doesn't change the way I feel about him nor has it changed the way that I know he feels about me.  Having him being away from me hasn't lessend the amount of love that I have for him and I know that he loves me.  Maybe I shouldn't have played with him that night instead of just enjoying snuggling with him and having sex with him in the morning, because he says that causes confusion for him.  I  just miss that intimacy with him, being with him.

I'm not going to go anywhere tonight, I don't feel like being around a bunch of people pretending that I'm okay and happy.  New Year's is about celebrating the end of one year and the the beginning of a new one with all the possiblities to look forward too, really what do I have to look forward too?

 He is the only one that I would want to celebrate that with and he doesn't wish to celebrate with me...it hurt me so much for him to reject me again..