December 15, 2009 - Choices..

I've had some clarity and have come to a realization..

He has made the choice at this time not to love me as I have children and this does not fit into his future plans, and that is his choice.  He feels that there may be someone else out there who may be a better fit for him then me.  He also feels that there maybe someone that will meet my needs and love me the way that I wish to be loved, a better fit for me.  As long as he wonders this, he cannot fully be with me.  He has not and will not allow himself to invest in us.  He needs to explore and see if there really is someone that would meet his needs better then me, that would understand him and be there with him, for him better then me, that he would love more then me.  Unless he does that, he will always have that doubt in his mind and heart.

So at this time, so I understand what he is meaning by needing to be apart.  He does need this space and time to explore, if he finds someone that is a better fit (or I do) during this time, then that is that.  At this time, I need to concentrate on myself and my children.  I really don't wish to be with anyone else at this time.

What is meant to be will be..if he finds someone else, or if he comes to me with the realization that I am truly the one for him and vice versa.  I cannot and will not try to sway him, I have not contacted him unless he has contacted me first..except on his birthday.  I haven't stopped by or begged him to come and see me, I haven't come up with any excuses to have us see each other.  I am giving him the space that he requires at this time.

I do miss him and I do truly love this man, but am no longer willing to accept anything less then a true relationship, where I am acknowledged, cherished and loved.  I am willing to start with small steps, but no longer will I be making excuses/allowances.  I am willing to honour and obey better then I ever have, given that these needs are met ....I need to be met halfway...