December 14, 2009 - His Birthday...

Tears rolling down my face again, waves of grief wash over me..

How could I have let someone get so close to me to be able to hurt me like this? 

I woke up this morning from yet another dream of him, this morning that I should have woken up beside him.  It was his birthday yesterday and we were supposed to spend it together.  He had even taken the day off, I had special plans for us.  Instead I only spoke with him on the phone, I asked him if he still wished for me to come with him and he said that he was okay, he didn't want me to come..  I sent him flowers, he said that no one had ever done that for him before and it was one of the things I had already planned for his birthday.  I always put effort and thought into his birthday.

The first year we were together, I knew how much he enjoyed playing the bass and that he wanted to fine-tune his technique, so I suprised him with a bass lesson.  He was very happy and really enjoyed it.  The second year, I made him Jerk Chicken with Rice & Peas from scratch...I had gotten the recipe from an older Jamaican woman that I worked with.  He enjoyed this as well. 

Next weekend he is planning on getting more peircings done and some stranger is going with him, I would have loved to go with him and have a day out there.  Instead he's going with another woman.  The thought of him being with someone else kills me inside.   He is the man that I love, the man that I wanted to share life with, experience with, grow with..as a couple and as individuals.

I know that we both need this time apart, space and maybe even to be with someone else to be able to see what we really do mean to each other..but it hurts.  He is my everything and all and I had so wanted to be this for him.

Where is his heart and his soul? I don't understand how he could have been with me for so long, share intimate times with me, laugh with me, then just walk away.  I gave him my heart and he just handed it back to me like it was nothing.  Was I really nothing more then just a sex object?  My time, my effort, my faithfullness and loyalty, my love meant nothing?

I am more then good enough, for him and for anyone else.  I am worthy of his love, as much as I do still love him..is he worthy of mine?