December 5, 2009 - Worthy..

All I feel is sadness, instead of feeling better..I seem to be feeling worse.  I cry every day, I have nightmares.

Why did I ever let someone get so close to me?  To be able to hurt me?

I feel so sad about the things that we still hadn't done, the things that we did.  We were supposed to go away together again, I worked so hard to wrangle the deal he wanted, all for what?  What a waste...he could at least have waited until after we came back.  I was so looking forward to going with him again, We had such a good time together last year, there's no one else that I can imagine going there with.

He was the only one who really saw me, he understood me..he got me.  I tried with him, even when it was hurting me..I didn't give up.  I made him my priority and I worked at our relationship. It made me happy just to be in his company, to be held by him.  I liked being his little sidekick as he took me along with him.  I loved holding hands with him wherever we walked.  I loved him playing with my pussy, my breasts, even my bum.  I loved how he felt inside me...especially feeling him orgasm inside me.  I have no desire to have sex with anyone else.  I took myself off of the dating website.

I stood by him through everything and always would have.  His needs were met, except emotionally and that was his own fault because he never let me in.....He made that decision not too because me & my children didn't logically fit into his plans.  Now I am the one who is hurt.

He asked me once if I would ever purposely hurt someone and I said no, because I just couldn't do that.  It never occured to me that he would.  I trusted him with me.  I never did anything to him.

I need and deserve to be cherished and loved.  To be respected and honoured as I do.  It really took alot for me to let him in, to let someone that close to me....to have my love thrown back in my face.

It was really good seeing him the other day.  I wasn't going to call him back, I didn't know if I was ready to see him....  I thought I would just completely fall apart in front of him because I've been having alot of anxiety attacks and have had a hard time controlling them.  Thank God I didn't.  As it is, I humiliated myself before he left, I was weak and wanting to be with him so much. 

Didn't he see that I was already vulnerable when he met me, as he got to know me?  I had already been hurt so badly, why hurt me more?  I try very hard to be strong for myself and others, I needed that back.

I know that relationships evolve and even sometimes end.  That's a part of life.  I do understand that, if the relationship doesn't evolve and grow, then it stagnates and dies.  I just hate that he didn't give ours a chance, he didn't let it even have the chance to see what we could be.  He kept me seperated from his friends and family.  Into his mind and his heart, share his inner most thoughts and darkest secrets with me.  Why be with me for so long if there was no love?  I know that there is, he just decided logically that I didn't match his plans so what was the point in seeing what a future with me could be, well sometimes plans have be adjusted or altered.  It doesn't mean that you won't reach your goals, it just means that you are taking a different route then the one you had envisioned to get there. 

I took a risk with him and gambled with my heart.  I didn't know quite what I was getting into at first, but I felt such a strong intimate connection with him, almost from the start.  When I did find out what was going on, I wanted to go, but had faith and stayed instead.  Believing in him..  I invested everything in him.

Yes, I made mistakes and I'm far from perfect.   I truly am sorry and deeply regret when I displeased him.  I tried to follow what he wanted me to, when he actually communicated it.  It was hard, because mostly I learned what his expectations were as I went.  I was more then willing and able to be trained by him, molded as he wished but still be myself  and manage things in my life that I needed too.  That is what I wanted as well.  To serve him and be of use by him in whichever way he saw fit.  To be his slave, his partner, his friend, his love..everything all in one.

I hate that the way that I'm feeling.  I hate hurting.  Sometimes it feels like he gets pleasure from my pain.  He said that he cares and I know that he does still, but I feel tossed aside.  I just hate that he has taken himself completely away from me.

It seems that it was so easy for him to do this, that he doesn't even miss me at all, that my time, effort and love was nothing to him at all.

Even with all that I am feeling, I know that space and time apart is what we need at this time, although I miss him so...I have been very good and not contacted him at all. 

I am strong and have been through worse.  I have alot to offer someone who is worthy of all that I have to give.  I thought that he was worthy, his actions of late has shown me that maye he maybe he is not the person that I thought he was..

As for him, sometimes you have to lose something before you realize how much it really was worth....